


Absolution of the Innocent

by Kiragirl17



Series: Guilty until Proven Innocent [2]
Category: Star Trek
Genre: Action/Adventure, Canonical Character Death, Destruction, Hurt Jim, Jealous Spock, M/M, Pain, Past Relationship(s), Possible Character Death, Relationship(s), Romance, Self-Destruction, Star Trek: Into Darkness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-24
Updated: 2016-05-20
Packaged: 2018-04-01 00:43:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 31,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3999427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kiragirl17/pseuds/Kiragirl17
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to Guilt of the Innocent. Set before the second Star Trek Movie and will go into it. A year has passed since Jim's got the Providence and he still has yet to find a First Officer. How can Jim move on if he can't get pass Spock's Memory? Can Captain Kirk find a way to Captain his ship when Khan comes into the Picture? And what is he supposed to do with a Certain Half Vulcan?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey all, I bet you are all surprised to hear from me. I am sorry it took so long, but there is the sequel.
> 
> And oh, here is the disclaimer, I do not own Star Trek or make any money off this. So don't sue me. :)
> 
> And just to let you know:
> 
> There is about a year time jump and this sequel will take place just before the Second Movie. It will go into the events of the movies.
> 
> This is where Jim and Spock will eventually get back together, though it won't be easy or quick. That might be an underestimate, but they will have to build trust and that will be a battle. Won't be easy, but if it was easy, it wouldn't be fun.
> 
> Anyhow, here you go. Tell me if you like it.

**Chapter One:**

**The Stress of Growth**

* * *

"Captain Kirk, is it at all possible for you to keep a First Officer?" Admiral Barnett gave Jim a stern look, almost daring him to open his mouth. "How many does that make in less than a year? What do you do to these fine officers to make them run screaming for the hills?" The expression on the Admiral was one of both annoyance and amusement.

Holding his jaw tight, Jim stared at the video monitor for a moment, wondering if Barnett _really_ wanted an answer. At the time of the call, he wasn't sure if the Admiral just wanted to yell at him, which was why he had chosen to take the call in his quarters. He didn't need the whole ship listening to Barnett lecture him.

Barnett let out a sigh. "What do you do to these men?" he asked.

"Hey, it's not my fault that none of these guys can keep up with me."

"You can barely keep one for two months without them resigning. What am I supposed to do with you?"

Jim waved him off. "Who needs a First Officer?" he asked. Deep down he knew why he was having trouble keeping a First Officer. Even if he refused to admit it to himself, he knew he had been unfairly comparing all of them to Spock. Though the Half-Vulcan wasn't completely human, and it was a horrible metaphor, Spock was inhuman at his job. He was able to complete the tasks of two people, _and_ still lend a helping hand when needed. "Commander Scott and I have it covered."

"If the Commander is so helpful, why don't you make him your First Officer?"

Montgomery Scott was the first person that popped into Jim's mind when thinking about a potential First Offer, but he didn't make him the offer. Scotty was at home in the engine room and had stated numerous times that he wouldn't want to be anywhere else. He had no interest of being anywhere else, and Jim wasn't going to make him leave. He knew if he asked, Scotty would agree to take the post, despite it taking him away from engineering. "But then I'll scare him off!" he said, trying to make a joke. "That post is cursed."

"How does Admiral Pike put up with you?"

Jim laughed. "I have no clue, but you could send the _Providence_ away on that five year mission that I keep hearing about. That would get me out of your hair."

Barnett's eyebrows rose. "We're still in discussion about that, and a ship with no First Officer is not in that discussion."

"Ouch," Jim replied, try to act hurt. "Is that why you called me? To hurt my feelings?"

"No, I'm putting a deadline on you, Kirk. Get a First Officer and he or she better last more than three months," he replied, giving a stern look. "And if you can't do that, I'll appoint one and you won't like the one I select."

"You have little faith, and besides, I'll probably scare that person away too."

"Captain Kirk, this is not a joke. Find a First Officer or else. If you can't work well with others, some might question why you're a Captain."

"Sir!" Jim uttered, shocked at what the Admiral had said. Sure, he was glad the Admirals had finally stopped pitying him and started to treat him like every other Captain. He craved the chance to prove he had earned the rank. Now he couldn't understand why they couldn't see why this decision was so difficult for him. "In all due respect-"

The Admiral interrupted Jim with a harsh look. " _And_ since you can't seem to pick a First Officer, Captain, you'll do everything without help from Commander Scott for now on. Barnett out," he replied as the screen turned black, not giving Jim any time to respond.

For a few seconds, Jim just stared at the black screen, cursing himself. He was screwed six ways from Sunday with Scotty helping him, but now, he had fallen off the cliff. How did the Admiral expect him to do all of this paperwork by himself? Jim had thought that he was going crazy before Scotty had started to help. There was no possible way he could keep up with the extreme workload. "Dammit," he cursed.

Jim took a deep breath as he turned from the monitor. He was angry at himself for being so difficult. Why did he have to be so stubborn? Why was it so hard to keep a First Officer? What was it about each of the potential candidates that annoyed him? It didn't matter the person, Jim always found something wrong with them.

With another deep breath, Jim rotated back to the monitor and clicked open a long list of candidates. He had seen so many profiles that the names had begun to blur, yet he had been surprised to see so many. By now they must have heard how difficult he could be. Why would any of them want to deal with such a hardheaded Captain? Even with the growing list of failed prospects, it didn't stop Commanders from applying with two more adding their names to the list since he started reading.

Jim knew his service record spoke for itself and anyone would jump at the chance to serve under him. He might be hard on his First Officers, but the rest of the crew trusted and loved him. Unlike his final days onboard the _Enterprise_ , there were no complaints from the crew and the ship ran smoothly. It reminded him of his earlier days on the _Enterprise_ , and the one time where he didn't know if he could be any happier. Right now, he wished he could complete the task of selecting the right First Officer.

The door to his quarters dinged, snapping his mind back to reality. Jim stared at it for a second, wondering who it could be. "Come in," he said.

The door opened a second later, revealing his current number two in command. Montgomery Scott gave him a look of concern before speaking. "Cap, don't take this the wrong way, but you look like shit," he said through his thick Scottish accent. Despite being barely able to understand him at times, Jim was really fond of Scotty's accent.

"Aw, thanks," Jim said, playing hurt. He eyed the tray in his commander's hands, not able to make out anything from the green objects piled on it. If McCoy had his way, it would be something low fat with no taste.

Scotty laughed as he walked across the room, carefully stepping as not to spill the food. "You're welcome, Sir."

Jim laughed. "Anything good?" he asked, hoping that the Chief Engineer was able to sneak in a hamburger or something remotely tasty.

He gave Jim a look as he set the tray down on the desk. "Why don't you tell me, Sir?" he said with a chuckle.

Jim glanced at the many resumes in front of him, unable to feel anything besides defeat. Why was it so difficult for him to find someone? Taking a deep breath, Jim reached for the monitor to turn it off. He needed a break or else he would go crazy. "Oh, great, Bones is on a green kick," he said, with a sigh. "I'm going to turn green from all of this shit."

"He's only trying to look after you," Scotty said, laughing.

"If you say so," Jim replied, pulling it to him. He poked at the salad, knowing he should be grateful. It could have been a lot worse. His mind briefly thought back to all of the liquid foods he could barely keep down after his last major surgery.

Scotty eyed his Captain for a few seconds. With a deep sigh, he took a seat across from Jim, who was poking at his food. "Can I ask you something?"

Jim looked up and smiled slightly. "Scotty, you know you can ask me anything." His Chief Engineer was one of the few people left that he trusted, and he refused to lie to him.

"Why have you never asked me?" he asked.

Jim gave him a questioning look. "Never asked you what?" he asked, trying to think of everything that his friend could possibly ask him.

"About being your First Officer," Scotty replied. "I know I ain't the ideal choice, but I can do it, Sir. I'll give it my all, and it would be an honor."

Shock filled Jim as Scotty waited for his answer. He had never expected him to mention it. He never expected the engineer to willingly want to leave the ship's engines. He expected the man to be buried deep in the wiring as it was all that mattered to him. It was the only thing the Engineer loved, often referring to the ship as his 'baby'. "I thought you hated paperwork," he said, trying to play it off.

"I hate a lot of things, Sir, but I would be honored to be your First Officer."

Jim took a deep breath. "Scotty."

Scott eyed his Captain, knowing that look all too well. "Sir, I can handle it. Heck, I'm already doing half the paperwork anyhow. Give me a chance, Jim, and I'll show you."

The pleading look in his friend's eyes burned through Jim, and it made him wonder why he was having a difficult time saying yes. He knew Scotty wouldn't let him down and would do an excellent job as his First Officer, but he couldn't say yes. He wasn't sure why, but he couldn't bring himself to say it. The very word was trapped in his throat. "So you're willing to give up your dream post of Chief Engineer for a mountain of paperwork?"

"Yes, Sir. I can do this."

As Jim stared at his Chief Engineer, he found himself struggling. He wanted… no… needed to say yes, but something was stopping him. Guilt was tearing at him. He knew Scotty could easily handle being a First Officer, but even with one of his best friends, something deep inside him refused to accept anything other than a certain Half-Vulcan as his First Officer. "Are you sure about this? There's no going back, Commander, and this won't be easy," he replied.

"I know, Captain, and if you give me a chance, I'll show you," he replied.

"Let me think about it, Scotty," he answered. It nearly killed him to see the fallen expression on his comrade's face. "This is not a no answer. It's a 'let me think about it'. I want to make sure you don't regret this. I want to make sure this is right for everyone. I don't want you to leave the position that you love for something you'll hate."

"I'm a space explorer, Jim, and as long as I'm doing that, I am happy."

Jim let out a sigh. "I understand, but I-"

Scotty interrupted him, "Okay, and I'll let you be so you can think." Scotty put on a smile and stepped toward the door.

The Captain didn't say anything as he watched the Commander stepped out the door. He sat in silence as the door slid shut, and he would remain that way for the remainder of the morning.

* * *

*O*O*

* * *

"Whatta ya doing?" Jim asked, stepping into Dr. McCoy's office. He smiled as he stared at Bones, who was fast approaching the best friend zone again.

The Chief Medical Officer looked up from his desk, eyeing blazing. "Paperwork that you created! Do you know how many forms I have to fill out when a First Officer just gets up and quits?" The Doctor paused for a few seconds, waiting for Jim to say something. "Let me tell you, a lot."

Jim laughed as he mindlessly walked along the office wall, his finger tracing the binding of the books on the shelves. "Look at it as an instrument to keep your mind sharp."

"Don't make me hypo you into a coma or something."

"But you love me, and you would never do that to me," he said, stopping in the corner. As if it had a mind of its own, Jim's hand reached for a snow globe, a gift from McCoy's daughter, Joanne, and shook it. From the corner of his eyes, he watched the fake snow fall upon the tiny fake city.

"If you break that, I will break you," he said, eyeing the globe in the Captain's hand.

"Relax, Bones, I won't break it," Jim said, setting the globe down on the table next to him.

McCoy gave him a sneak eye. "You say that about everything before you break it," he replied, looking away from the monitor. He took a deep breath as he pushed himself back from the desk.

"Hey now, I do not," he replied.

The Doctor laughed as he swirled in the chair. "Do I need to list everything?" he asked, waving to his office around him. This office was bigger than the one he had on the _Enterprise_ , much like many of the other offices aboard the _Providence_.

"Geez, you have little faith," Jim replied, eyeing the globe. The water and fake snow were still swirling, and Jim couldn't take his eyes off it.

"Well you're the one who broke that alien Idol on the _Providence's_ first mission," McCoy replied, as he stepped to the snow globe. "You know they don't make them like this anymore, not in a long time. Wood and glass. The craftsmanship on this is amazing." He picked it up and ran his fingers over wood engravings.

Jim let out sigh. "You know it isn't my fault that the idol broke. I can't help it if it fell apart by me just looking at it." He turned to Bones, who was a few inches from him. "And I know how hard Joanne looked for that."

"You're just lucky their Chief faith healer took a fancy to you," Bones said, setting the globe onto the corner table. Unlike the dark grain of the wood, the table was white, much like the rest of the medical bay. "I do miss Joanne. I get to see her for a day once we dock on Earth."

"I'm glad that you're able to spend more time with her, she's such a great kid…Well she does have an amazing uncle, so she couldn't have turned out too bad," he said with a smile.

"So full of yourself," McCoy replied. "I wonder what that healer saw in you. She must've been insane for liking you."

Jim let out a chuckling sigh. "Hey!" he protested. "Be nice."

"And I don't even want to know what you two did together in that room," his friend added.

"Oh, don't be jealous," Jim replied with a smile. "And you should be bowing to my negotiation skills. Think of all the instances where it saved us."

McCoy sighed as he stepped to his desk. He ran his hands over his desk where the touch screen keyboard was built into the top of it. The monitor flipped on and flipped through the paperwork that he had been working on. "And what about our lack of a First Officer?"

It was a subject that Jim didn't want to talk about, although he would rather talk about his lack of a decision then those hours he spent in a room alone with the faith healer. "First Officer? Who needs a first Officer?"

"How can you handle all of the paperwork without one? Mr. Scott can only do so much," he answered, giving him a look that told Jim that he was no longer kidding. "And I can guess that the Admirals aren't too happy with you and your track record with First Officers."

Jim pushed off the corner table and crossed to the front of the office. He reached for a panel on the wall, a few feet from the door. He ran his hand over the touchscreen panel, hitting the button for the window on the front wall. In an instant, the window changed from its dark reflectiveness to crystal clear, revealing the rest of the medical bay to them.

For a few long seconds, the Captain watched as the medical staff worked. With no patients in the bay, he watched as the nurses did inventory. His focus was on Nurse Chapel, who looked like a conductor in total control of the medical bay. Even if Bones was the Chief Medical Officer, there was no doubt that Nurse Chapel could take charge if she had too. Dr. McCoy truly respected her.

For a few minutes, McCoy watched Jim as he watched the staff. It wasn't until Jim rested his head against the glass that McCoy spoke. "Jim, what is it?"

Jim lightly banged his head off the window before he turned around. "You're right about the Admirals. They aren't too pleased with my inability to keep a First Officer."

"Jim." McCoy's voice was safe and calming.

"They say it doesn't reflect well on me, and they're right."

"Jim," he called again. "You'll find one. It just takes time to find the right one."

The Captain wasn't sure about that. If it had been that simple, he would have found someone already, but he knew the real reason. There must be something wrong with him if he couldn't make such an important command decision. "Scotty asked me to take him into consideration."

McCoy eyed Jim. "Really? I didn't think Mr. Scott would want that post. I didn't think he would ever leave the safety of the Engine room."

"Yea, me neither," Jim responded as he stepped from the door.

"You don't seem happy or relaxed about this."

"Well, you know what happens with my First Officers," Jim stated with a weak smile.

Bones gave him a look, holding back his laugher. "I know there is more to this then just that."

Jim let out a sigh, because he was right. There was so much more, but he didn't want to talk about it. He had other things to worry about like his ship and his crew. "There is, but my shift starts in a few and I can't be late."

The Chief Medical Officer gave the Captain a serious look. "You're going to work yourself to death! Do you sleep? Wait, don't answer that. I already know you don't."

Not looking at McCoy, Jim turned to the door, reaching for the door panel. "Well, I have no First Officer so I have no choice," he said as the door opened. There was also the fact that even now, inside this new ship, surrounded by friends and great security officers, he still had a hard time sleeping. He refused to admit that he still felt unease whenever he closed his eyes to rest. With some help from both Bones and others, he had moved from sleeping on the floor to a more comfortable bed. That had to count for something.

"Okay, Jim, but if you're brought in for exhaustion, I'm kicking your butt and don't expect Chapel to save you."

"Bones, don't lie. She can totally take you," Jim replied as he made his way out of the lab. He could have sworn that Nurse Chapel had given him a knowing smile as he walked out. Damn, that woman could get to him.

* * *

*O*O*

* * *

"Kaptain on the Bridge," Chekov yelled as everyone got to their feet and turned to acknowledge their Captain.

"At ease," Jim said quickly, smiling at his Russian Ensign. No matter what he was feeling, being on the bridge felt like heaven, and there was no other place that he would rather be. Each and every time that he stepped onto the bridge, he wondered how he had ever resigned in the first place. Just being here made him feel like he was on top of the world.

"Anything on radar, Lieutenant Saavik?" Jim asked, as he glanced toward the science station.

The Vulcan rotated in her chair to face Jim. "Nothing, Sir. Everything is clear. There are no signs of the abnormality that we faced earlier, Captain."

If Jim didn't know better, he could have sworn his Science Officer was upset, which he knew shouldn't surprise him. She was a Vulcan, and they looked at everything as a learning experience. "Did you get any data out of it?" he asked, as he stepped to his beloved Captain's chair. He loved everything about the chair, right down to the fabric.

Saavik turned back to her monitor. "I have, Captain, but I will not know until I study it."

He glanced back, staring at her for a moment, before sitting his chair. He wasn't quite sure about his new Science Officer. He had nearly passed her up for another equally promising officer. He wasn't sure that having another Vulcan as his Science Officer was a good idea, but Sarek had sold him on the idea. The Ambassador had recommended her above all others for reasons that Jim did not know, but he trusted him. "Let me know if you find anything," he said, turning forward.

"Yes, Captain."

Jim could practically feel her eyes on him, as he faced forward. It wasn't the first time that he felt her stare, and he was sure it wouldn't be the last. He didn't know what she was looking for, but he was positive it wasn't important. There was a part of him that was wondered if he was imagining it. "Is the away team back, Ensign Vil?" Jim asked, whirling slightly.

The Ensign sitting at the communication station turned slightly to answer him. "Yes, Sir. All officers are aboard the _Providence_ with no incident," He replied.

"The team got everything they needed?" Kirk asked, looking forward again. His eyes rested on the planet below. No matter how many planets they visited, space never lost it appeal to him. He could stare at the stars for hours.

"Yes, Captain, and the items are being examined as we speak."

Jim nodded with a smile on his face. It was a simple mission but it had important consequences for Starfleet, who hoped to study the collected items. Plus, it was always a good feeling when his crew returned in one piece. His crew was like a family to him, and he didn't want anything to happen to them. "Chekov, do you have our course set in?"

"Yes, Sir. Ve ready to go," the Russian replied.

"Let's punch it then," Jim said with smile.

* * *

*O*O*

* * *

Jim put on a smile as he stepped through the halls of his beloved ship. He loved everything about this ship right down to the smell, and he wouldn't change it for anything else, even if there was a part of him that missed the _Enterprise._ There was a part of him that missed his former crew, who had accepted him for all of his quirks. It wasn't like his new crew didn't respect him. They just weren't used to all his quirks yet. In time, he knew they would be completely comfortable around him to the point that he could play a few games in the rec room with some of them. In the meantime, he would show them how crazy he could be, and hopefully they would enjoy it.

"Captain Kirk."

His name echoed down hall stopping Jim in his tracks, and he turned to face the owner of the voice. "Lieutenant Saavik," he greeted with a smile. "How can I help you?" he asked in a cheerful voice.

"You told me you wanted to be informed when there were results," she said, standing perfectly still with a tablet in her hand.

Jim stared at her for a moment, amazed her ridged posture. He never understood how Vulcans could stand so still without flinching. "You found something?" he asked, stepping toward her.

"Yes, Captain. The cloud the _Providence_ flew through possessed polar qualities. It was creating an electrowave, pulling apart the compounds around us."

He gave her a look as he took another step toward her. "I figured as much, judging by what it did to the ship," he said. "However, the _Providence_ appears to be in one piece. Commander Scott did notice a disruption in the core, but it returned to normal once we were a safe distance away."

"Yes, according to my observation, it could have been worse, Captain. If the ship had stayed in the cloud for any longer, it is possible that the core could have become unstable and could have exploded," she replied.

"Shit," Jim quietly cursed, thinking back to that moment. At the time, he had no idea what was happening to the ship, but he didn't want to stick around to find out. Unable to use warp speed, they had to use impulse power. He had ordered Scotty to shut down any unnecessary system in order to get enough energy to get them out of there. "Do you have the readings from inside there?" he asked, pointing to the tablet in her hand.

"Yes, Sir," the Vulcan Science Officer said handling him the P.A.D.D.

Jim reached for it, trying to avoid touching her hand. At the same moment she shifted slightly, knocking her hand into his. It was a brief contact, but he felt a warm shock travel through his arm from her hand. He could feel _her_ , and it took his very breath away. For a long second, it felt like time had stopped, and his mind had quit working.

"Damn," he yelled, finally coming to his senses. He quickly pulled his arm back as he jumped back from her. "I'm so sorry, Saavik." It was by some miracle that he was able to keep a hold on the tablet.

She gave him a look as she folded her arms behind her back. "It is alright, Captain. There was no harm."

 _No harm?_ He thought to himself. He felt her, which was usual, and if he compared it to all of the times that he touched Spock, it was even stranger. "Are you sure? I know how sensitive a Vulcan's hands are. I know how intimate a touch like that can be, and I don't-"

"It is fine, Captain," she said, cutting him off. "I know you did not mean any offense"

Jim squeezed the tablet in his hand, feeling stupid. How could he have been so careless? He just assaulted one of his officers. "It won't happen again."

"It was an accident, Captain," she restated. "No need to chastise yourself." She gave him another look before she added, "You seemed very knowledgeable in the Vulcan way."

He glanced down at the P.A.D.D. in his hand. "I am. I previously dated a Vulcan and thought it would be wise to learn as much as I could about the Vulcan race," he replied, not interested in going into the finer details. However, he doubted that she would pry, and he was grateful for that. Even now, he didn't want to talk about his past relationship with Spock. "I even attempted to learn the language, but that proved to be very difficult. I was only to master the basics in the amount of time I had."

"I was aware of your previous relationship." she said, "I am also aware that Ambassador Sarek thinks highly of you."

Jim stared at her, catching her eyes again. For some reason, he couldn't look away. "Yea, it's my curse. Ex-partners' parents love me," he replied, trying to laugh it off. The intensity of her Vulcan eyes nearly drew him back to her.

"He also told me about your…humor," she said in a deadpan style.

"That he loves it?" he asked, knowing that most Vulcans did not approve of his humor. He forced himself to look away and down to the tablet. His hand still tingled from where they touched.

"That is not the word he used," she replied. "There was another word, which would not be too pleasant."

Jim laughed as he forced himself to stare at the readings of the abnormally. "Well they say Vulcans don't like to joke," he said, sliding through the tablet.

"It is illogical."

Daring to look at her, he looked up and smiled. "So why are you aboard the _Providence?_ " he asked. "I'm probably one of the most illogical humans there is. You can ask Sarek about that one."

Saavik had not moved from her spot and was still staring at him. "Yes, he has warned me of your nonsensical jests, but he believes we will be a good match." She remained unflinching.

"Does he?" Jim asked, as he started to walk. He wasn't surprised when she followed him.

"He does," she replied, following close.

Jim paused as he took a deep breath. "Well, let's see if Sarek is correct, though he's never wrong it seems," He said, as he carefully handed back the tablet, making sure that he did not touch her again. He still felt like an idiot from the mistake. "And again, I'm sorry."

"Apologies are illogical," she said, taking it back. Her eyes drifted to his hands, as she took the device. "And it was an error on my part as well, Captain."

He looked at his Science Officer, still trying to read her. "Very well, then. I guess we're good," he replied. "And keep looking into this. It might be helpful if we ever come against it again."

"I shall, Sir," She said as she turned from him.

Jim sidestepped and watched her leave, wondering about her. He knew she would make a fine Science Officer, but he wasn't sure of what to do make of her. At the moment, she had left him confused, and their brief touch had his mind whirling a bit. He was at a loss for words, as he wondered how to act around her.

* * *

*O*O*

* * *

Jim took a deep breath as he stepped into the transporter room. He was exhausted, having just finished a double shift, but he didn't have time to rest. He had somewhere to be in twenty minutes and there was no time to rest. Though he was always pushing the limits, this was the one thing he knew he could not miss. He had no interest in pushing his luck. He was very grateful for everything that he had and wasn't willing to risk losing it again.

At the moment, the _Providence_ was docked at one of the many space docks surrounding Earth. It had just finished going through the final docking protocols, and the nonessential crew were allowed to take breaks on the planet when their shifts were over. Even if Jim was over hoping, this could be their last time on Earth for the near future if they were given the five-year mission, and he wanted to give them as much time as possible.

"Everything is ready for you, Captain."

The sound of Scotty's voice snapped Jim from his thoughts. "Good," the Captain replied with a smile as he stepped to the transporter pad. "And Commander, you're in charge while I'm gone."

"Aye, Captain," he said, stepping out from behind the controls. "Sir, do you want me to look at anything while you're gone? I got some free time in between shifts."

Jim held back his flinch as he stepped onto the pad. He didn't have the heart to tell Scotty that he was forbidden in giving him any paperwork to do. It was his punishment for chasing all of his first officers away, and he didn't want to tell Scotty as the man would only push harder for the position. "Thanks, Scotty, but I'm good. Got it all under control," Jim lied, trying to hide his exhaustion.

The current Second Officer gave him a concerned glance. It was clear he didn't believe him but chose to stay quiet. "Aye, Captain."

"Just keep her steady, Scotty."

"You can count on me, Sir."

"I kno-"

The door to the transporter room swished open, silencing the room. With a smile and a bag over his shoulders, McCoy walked in. "Geez, Jim, going to leave without me?"

Jim laughed as Bones stepped toward him. "I'm sure you can find your way without me, Bones," he said, teasing. "Unless you need me to hold your hand."

"Ha ha," McCoy replied. "Very funny. You should do stand up."

"I should, shouldn't I?"

Scotty laughed. "Oh, how I love this banter."

Before anyone could respond, the door slid open once again, and this time, it was the Vulcan Science Officer, who walked into the room. Within seconds, she was focused on Jim. "Captain."

"Lieutenant Saavik," Jim greeted. "Did you have something?" Why couldn't he figure her out? Why couldn't he tell what she wanted? It was driving him crazy.

"I have found something else, Sir," she said, stepping to the pad.

Jim glanced toward Bones, wondering if the Doctor was noticing the Vulcan's strange behavior too…Or maybe, it was just him. He chalked it up to exhaustion, hoping to get some rest during his time on Earth. "Send it to me, Lieutenant. I don't have time to look at it now. I have a date."

"Sir?" she asked.

"Jim," Leonard uttered, clearly irritated.

Without a beat, Jim turned back to Scotty. "Energize, Scotty."

Scotty simply nodded as he started the transport. It took only seconds before McCoy and Kirk disappeared, leaving the Chief Engineer and Science Officer staring at the empty pads.


	2. Logic vs Morals.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all,
> 
> I am sorry this took so long. I don't know why this took me soo long, but I hope you enjoy this chapter. A warning, this chapter is unbetaed. I will update once my beta get back to me. You see she has a life unlike me, and I would have waited, but seeing as it has been two months since the last update, I thought you deserved this.
> 
> I will say that this is when the action.. or a set up for the action in the next chapter. Anyhow, I hope you enjoy. Please let me know through reviews.

"So you came down on him," Admiral Pike said to Admiral Barnett. The Admirals were speaking via a private channel, where they had been discussing the five year mission when Pike brought up the subject of Captain Kirk.

Barnett let out a deep sigh as he glanced over the report in his hand. "I did. I know you care for him, Christopher and this is a tough situation for Captain Kirk, but we needed to be firm with him."

Pike released his own sigh as he shook his head. Jim was a _major_ pain in his ass at times, a loveable pain in the ass, but still a pain. He didn't know what he would do with that kid, who would always be a kid to him regardless of his age. "I know," Pike replied, thinking back to everything that Jim had gone through. He had gone through hell several times over, and Pike didn't blame him for being so hardheaded. "What did he say to you?"

"You know Kirk. He was his normal self. He doesn't know when to stop, but I do feel for the man," Barnett admitted as he recalled his conversion with Kirk to Pike. "Do you think he'll be able to find a First Officer?"

It was a difficult question to answer, but Pike knew Jim would do anything for this crew. He would give up everything he had for his crew. "I have no doubt that he will," Pike replied with a smile. "He's too stubborn to give up."

"This is true." Barnett laughed. "How are you, Christopher? How is the _Enterprise_? Is everything running okay?"

Unable to find the right person to fill in as Captain of the _Enterprise_ , Pike had stepped in. Despite the ship running smoothly under his command, Starfleet was still looking for the right person for the post. After all the past weeks and now months of searching, they still hadn't found the one, and though Pike kept repeating he was too old for the job, he would hold it until one is found. However, he had to admit that he was enjoying himself. Though he had had enough of the Captain's life, it was nice to sit in _the_ chair. "It's running smoothly," he replied, overlooking a few bumps in the road.

"Is it? Why don't I believe you?" he asked with a hint of a smile.

"Don't make me hurt you with my cane," Pike said, waving his cane. Though it was impossible for Pike to hit Barnett, his threating glare could scare anyone.

Barnett shook his head. "Relax, Christopher. It's just a joke, but I'm glad that things are well. I was worried about Commander Spock and his ability to stay focused after everything that happened. He seemed off, even for a Vulcan."

Pike took a deep breath as he lowered his cane. Spock was a complicated problem that Pike had been trying to figure out. Even though the quality of the Vulcan's work had not suffered or changed, Spock was more indifferent and distant than he had ever known him. Some of the crew that had known him had mentioned that he become cold. It had been very difficult to reach his First Officer. After finishing his shift, he would quickly leave the Bridge before anyone could start a conversation with him. Those who didn't personally know Spock wouldn't have noticed it, but Pike did. He noticed how distant the Vulcan had become. "He's doing well, hardheaded as always. Never taking a rest."

"That can be said about a great deal of people, like yourself and Kirk."

The Admiral took a deep breath as he thought about Jim. Even now, Pike was worried about the man who had become a son to him and would do anything to protect him. "I take insult to that," he replied. "I'm not hardheaded."

"I see where Kirk gets it from," Barnett dryly replied.

"He doesn't get it from me," Pike shot back as he leaned back in his chair. "Anyhow, Admiral Barnett. I enjoyed this chat, but I have to run. We've reached Nibiru's orbit." Pike said, as he narrowed his eyes at Barnett, almost daring him to make a joke about his inability to run. After nearly two years of rehabilitation he could run for a few seconds. A short sprint always left him in pain, forcing him to use a cane at times. It was a great relief when he could finally walk without one. "However, please keep me informed about Captain Kirk."

"Don't worry I will. Barnett out," Barnett replied as the screen went dark.

Pike let out a sigh as he wondered how Jim was doing. He knew the inability to choose a First Officer was more than Jim being picky. He also knew he couldn't intervene and try to help the young man which wouldn't end well. He needed to let Jim do this on his own, even if he wanted to drop everything to help him.

Getting to his feet, the Admiral let out a deep breath as he straightened his shirt. Every day as he prepared himself for his walk to the Bridge, he asked himself why he was doing this. Though there were older captains, Captain Pitts being one of them, Pike would repeat to himself on a daily basis that he was getting too old for the job. It was times like that when he glared down at his damaged leg that made it difficult for him to go on most landing parties. For that, he hated his leg, and silently cursed a long-dead revenge crazy Nero.

Leaving the cane, Christopher made his way to the Bridge, ignoring the twitch in his leg. He put on a smile as he walked through the halls, which were pretty much silent with very few officers speaking. Most of the time the only noises besides the occasional conversations about the task at hand, was the quiet hum of the ship's engines. It had been this way since the days of Captain Pitts and no matter how hard Pike tried, it was difficult to break the crew out of their old habits. The Admiral didn't blame them, considering everything they had gone through, but he hated the distance between his crew and him. He hated the silence that followed whenever he stepped into the room. Sitting on the Bridge, the silence was worse, but he doubted that it was all him. He wondered if that had to do something with Spock and his silence. The Vulcan could make anyone nervous as he just stared off without saying a word. It would be amazing if it wasn't so bizarre. His eyes said it all, and it-

"Admiral on the bridge!"

Returning to reality, Christopher snapped out of his thoughts and faced the crew of the Bridge, who were standing on their feet staring at him. It was a few long seconds of silence before the Admiral stepped forward, scanning them all. He knew why they were all staring at him. They were waiting for him to put them at ease but he felt something in the air, and it took longer for him to get the words out. "At ease," he finally said.

"Admiral," Spock said, as he stood and stepped away from the Captain's chair.

Pike took a step forward, trying to hide the wobble in his step. "Any readings from Nibiru, Commander?" he asked, eyeing the Vulcan. He was stiff as ever.

"There appears to be some volcanic activity on the north end of the planet, but lifeforms have been detected. All other readings are clear," Spock replied in his usual monotone. "It is stable. I have put together a landing party, and it is ready to beam down on your command."

Christopher stepped passed Spock toward his chair. He glanced toward Lt. Uhura who was scanning communication waves, looking for any sign of advance intelligence. There wasn't much information on the planet, but from they had learned, the inhabitants were primitive, barely passed the stage of discovering the wheel. "Are you planning to beam down yourself, Mr. Spock?" he asked, taking a P.A.D.D. from Uhura.

"I am, Admiral."

The Admiral nodded. "Very well. I authorize you to lead a landing party."

"I will prepare to leave immediately," Spock replied as he turned to the lift.

Pike glanced back and noticed Uhura was trailing behind the Vulcan. "I don't think I have to remind you, Commander, but please, remember the Prime Directive." Though he did not have to worry about Vulcan, he didn't want anyone to play the hero down there. They must not intervene and attempt to save the lives of the natives.

Spock glanced back. "It is not needed, Admiral. I am aware of the Prime Directive."

Pike knew Spock was the last officer on the _Enterprise_ that needed a reminder, but he couldn't help but think of Jim, who needed every reminder in the world. Jim was a softy at heart, who would do anything and everything possible to save those around him. "Old habits, Spock. You must humor me."

"Humor you? It would be illogical to do so, Admiral."

He was trying to get some sort of reaction from them. "You're hardheaded. You know that? How did I get stuck with you as a First Officer?" he asked, taking his seat. Though he was not looking, he could feel the shocked expressions of the crew. It was the first real response he got after months of being formal.

Spock turned back, still his stoic self. Uhura remained at the lift, her eyes following Spock. "If you wished for my transfer, I will-"

Pike let out a harsh sigh, silencing the room. "I was joking, Commander…" Pike glanced at his First Officer, meeting his eyes. "But do remind the rest of the landing party of the Prime Directive. With the increased volcanic activity, someone might get a stupid idea. If that volcano erupts, immediately return to the ship. We're only observing. Nothing more." If it was Jim, he knew he would have a serious problem. He could just imagine the wheels turning in the Jim's head, and the hidden smile behind the blue eyes.

"Aye, Sir."

Pike watched as Spock turned and entered the turbo lift with Uhura following him. _What am I going to do with that Vulcan?_ the Admiral thought. There wasn't much he could say to Spock as the Vulcan was performing all of his tasks and there were no complaints. He then wondered what he was doing as he realized that he was going to call out a Vulcan for being cold… for behaving like any other Vulcan. "Sulu, keep the ship in a steady orbit," he commanded as he stared out into the viewing window, the planet below the ship.

"Aye, Sir."

* * *

*O*O*

* * *

Uhura had a difficult time keeping up with Spock, who was heading straight to the transporter. "Commander," she yelled, getting a better response with his title than his name.

Spock stopped and turned slightly to Uhura. "We are in a hurry, Lieutenant. We must observe and collect samples from the planet's surface before the volcano erupts."

"And you're going to let that species die?" she asked, surprised.

He gave her a look before he turned away. "We are not to interfere."

Uhura let out a sigh as she followed after him. "That isn't what Kirk would say," she said, hesitation in her voice.

Spock stopped suddenly but did not turn back to her. He was stiff as ever, looking more like a statue. "It does not matter if Captain Kirk would agree with the orders or not," he replied. "We must not break the Prime Directive."

The Lieutenant gave him a look, but she didn't disagree no matter how much she wanted ignore Starfleet protocols. Everyone knew the consequences if the volcano erupted on Nibiru. Countless lives would be lost. She knew what they had to do, but there was the question of was it was moral. "Spock," she called, as he continued to the transporter room. "Spock," she called again, "You know Admiral Pike was joking, right?" The Commander didn't stop, forcing the Lieutenant to chase after him. "You're being foolish."

He glanced back at her. "Jests are not important and there are other things that require my attention," he coldly replied. He turned back and continued walking. "As you do you," he added.

Uhura let out a sigh, barely able to keep up with him. "You need to stop taking things too personally. It was a joke."

"Why are you under the assumption that I am distraught? I am not. To be upset over a trivial jest would be illogical and a misuse of my time," Spock replied as they arrived outside of the transporter room.

"Spock," she yelled in frustration. "Why do you have to be so stubborn? Why can't you ever admit that you're hurting? How can you ever expect to get over anything if you never admit that you're feeling anything? You need to talk and let it out, or it is going to eat you alive," she ranted.

He turned back to her, and for a few seconds, he just stared at the communication officer. "You are under the impression that I need to discuss my emotions, but I do not as there is nothing to discuss. There is nothing for me to "let out" as you keep claiming I do. You conveniently forget that I am Vulcan," he replied, turning to the transporter room.

Uhura clenched her jaw as the door to the transporter room opened. She followed Spock trying to get him to show some kind of emotion, "And you forget you are also half human!"

Spock glared at her with a cold Vulcan stare that made her take a step back, before he crossed to the Security officers behind the control panel. He ignored the looks the crew was giving him and gave the Engineer behind the panel the list of coordinates where the landing crew would beam down. He gave her one last look of warning before he stepped to the transporter pad where the rest of the landing party was waiting. "Lieutenant Uhura, you should return to your post," he stoically said, not looking at her. "We have all the information that we require for the landing party."

Uhura scanned the room, silently counting the number of people in the room, as she decided how she should respond. With a deep breath, she replied, "Very well. I'll give my report to Admiral Pike," she said as she turned to the door. Just as the door opened, the landing party disappeared in bright lights, leaving Uhura to her frustration about Spock.

Maybe, she should give up trying to reach him because every attempt she made had failed. At this rate, she was going to go insane before Spock would ever admit that he was feeling something. She understood his hesitation in admitting that he was upset, but he needed to let someone in. He needed to speak his mind, even if everything in his mind was fighting him.

* * *

*O*O*

* * *

"A date? So that is what you're calling these sessions?"

Jim let out a chuckle as he leaned back in his chair, looking up at the ceiling. "That's what they are, aren't they?" he asked, with smile. "It's a day on the calendar that we prearrange. It's where we talk, have coffee and stuff. Isn't that what these young kids are calling it these days?"

Dr. Jones gave him a smile, though it was clear that he didn't find the joke all that funny. "Yes, I guess you can call this a date on a calendar, but I wouldn't consider this a real date. I doubt anyone would consider this a date, Kirk, and if so, this would be a very boring date. I know I would be a horrible date."

"I would suppose so," Jim replied, closing eyes.

"When was the last time you were on an actual date with someone you liked?" Jones asked, his eyes studying him.

Jim sighed as he glanced at the therapist. He couldn't remember when his last date was or the last time he checked someone out, but why now did the Doctor ask him about his dates? Why was it important for him to know? Who the hell cared when the last time he had been on a date? "Why are you asking, Doctor? Hoping for me to give you some pointers? Trying to hook me up with someone?"

"No, just trying to get a read on you today, Captain. You seemed to be bothered by something."

It was a trick question as there were a great many things that were bothering him at the moment, but there were also a lot of things he didn't want to talk about. Heck, he didn't know how he felt about most of it. Despite the Doctor repeatedly saying that he could talk about anything and their meetings were confidential, he wanted to figure it out first on his own. "I'm a Captain. It's a part of the job," he said, putting on a smile.

"How are you handing the stress?" Jones asked.

It wasn't the stress that was getting to Jim. The twenty-four hour a day demands of a Captain he could handle with no problem. It was the mental stuff while he was off-duty that gave Jim a run for his money. He always had issues dealing with his emotions, but now the trouble was nearly constant. He didn't want to think about his inability to keep a First Officer. He didn't want to think about the strange feelings that rose inside of him when he accidently touched Saavik's hand. He didn't want to talk about it. It made him consider the fact that he could always have her transferred and replaced with a non-Vulcan officer. He had considered that only to realize that as a Captain he had to prove he could work with many different species, which included Vulcans. And it wasn't like he needed to talk about it. He wasn't unstable as he had been before. "Good," he uttered.

Jones leaned forward in his chair, eyeing him. "Does that mean you found a First Officer?" he asked, hopeful.

Jim snorted as he leaned back in his chair again. "Me a First Officer? Yea, right," he replied with a deep sigh. He knew it was a lost cause as the position was cursed. Had he done something stupid like piss off some wizard?

"What happened? I thought you found the perfect one?"

The Captain clenched his jaw as he glared at the ceiling, thinking back to the last officer in that post. He had been the worse First Officer yet. The argument he had with him over who should be allowed to go on landing parties had been the final straw. Yet, as he thought about it, he wondered if it was all in his head. He knew that he wasn't the best judge of character at the moment. The nightmares were a constant reminder of his lapse in judgment. "No, he kept looking at me funny."

Jones raised an eye to that. "Looking at you funny?" he asked. "How did he look at you funny? Were his eyes big? He wouldn't stop giving you the stink eye? Tell me."

"It's stupid. Never mind," he replied as he slowly got out the chair. He made his way to the window, feeling like a total idiot for mentioning that.

"No, it isn't. Talk to me."

Jim was frustrated and now he was sick of talking. He just wanted to disappear into space and explore the unknown without a thought of his past. He wanted to move past that event in his life, but it was turning out to be harder than he expected. "You know I was thinking about picking Scotty to be my First Officer."

The therapist gave the Captain a look, clearly not buying Jim's change in tone, but did not call him on it. "Thinking?" he asked.

Putting his hands on the railing of the window, Jim rested his forehead against the cold glass. Whenever he stood at this particular window, he couldn't help but play his favorite game of people watching. His favorite targets were couples. The ones he saw holding hands made his heart skip a beat. "Yea."

"That was a loaded answer."

Jim took a deep breath, "I don't want him to hate the post and run away. Then, there are the times when I think the post is cursed."

"For some reason, I think it'll be difficult to scare Commander Scott away. He doesn't seem like the type to give up. After all, he was one of two of that command crew that did believe in you the entire time."

Jim focused on a couple by a bench. They were standing close, holding hands, but he wasn't looking at their hands. He focused on their faces as they stared at each other's eyes. It was like the other was their whole world, and he missed that. He wanted that. "But you know me."

"So we're at this again."

At the answer he turned to face the Doctor. "At what again?"

"Self-doubt. Self-blaming," Jones replied, staring at Jim.

Jim knew he did it, but couldn't help feeling insulted. He hated that he did it and didn't know how to stop. Slowly he was getting better. He wasn't as negative as he had been last year, and now he was able to occasionally enjoy himself. Sitting in the Captain's chair on the _Providence_ had turned his whole outlook around, and now he was happy to wake up and do this job. He was happy to be talking to people, even with his self-blaming kicking in at times. "Hey, everyone does it. Not just me."

"This is true," Jones replied. "But I am your therapist, Kirk, and to be frank, I don't care about anyone else."

"I thought you doctors swore to 'First do no harm.'"

Jones laughed as he shook his head. "No, they don't. That isn't even in the oath, and besides, my race doesn't swear to that," he replied as his tail swung behind him.

Jim narrowed his eyes. "So what does your race swear to?"

"That's a long story for another session, Captain. We only have a few minutes left, and you still haven't given me a good reason why Commander Scott would not make a good First Officer."

Jim glanced up at the clock on the wall. The clock in and of itself was interesting as was an old clock that used hands that pointed to numbers. It fit right in with the paper books and the rest of the old-fashioned items in the office. "He will hate the post," he quietly replied.

"Says who?"

"He once said he had no desire to leave Engineering. You should see how excited he gets when he gets to put in his own upgrades."

Jones gave him another look. "So you don't have any real reason why he wouldn't make a good First Officer? And people change. How would you know he would not want the position now? Did you ask him?"

Jim groaned. Why did Jones have to be so logical about this? Why did he have to point out all of the flaws in his thinking? Sometimes, he liked his flawed thinking. "He…offered. Or rather, he asked me to consider him for the post," he slowly replied, as he looked away.

Jones smiled softly. "But yet, you think he does not want the post?"

"He will hate it," he replied back.

"Or he may love it."

"Or hate it."

"Or love it."

Jim narrowed his eyes at him. "Are we playing games now? Keep in mind that if we are, I will so win," he said as he flashed his smile. No one could deny that Captain Kirk had a beautiful smile that could melt anyone.

"You're probably right, but give the Commander a proper consideration. He deserves that, even if you decide that he is not right for the post."

The Captain puffed again as he made his way to the door. He knew Jones was right, but he didn't want to think about it anymore. He wanted to get his mind off his lack of a First Officer for now and take a few minutes to breathe. "I will, Doctor Jones."

* * *

*O*O*

* * *

"How was the visit with Joanna?" Jim asked as he walked with Dr. McCoy through Starfleet Headquarters. They were on their way to the transporter room, making their way back to the _Providence._

McCoy glanced at his Captain from the corner of his eyes, studying him. Jim was wearing his dress uniform and spinning his service cap on his index finger. His eyes were focused on the cap, barely looking forward. "Great. Wouldn't stop asking about you, but it was a nice visit. She's growing too fast for my own liking though. Soon she'll be dating, and I don't think I can handle that."

"I think I hear wedding bells!" He joked, being as dramatic as he could. "Soon, she'll have kids and you'll be Grandpa Bones," Jim replied mindlessly with a smile.

"Urgh, stop! I don't want that image in my head. She's my little girl! She'll never be old enough to date," he protested.

Jim laughed, almost dropping his cap, and nearly tripped as he tried to regain control of it. "Sounds like a protective father. Do you have a phaser ready to defend her honor?" he asked with a chuckle.

"Honor?" he repeated, almost whining. "Don't say that. Urgh."

Jim laughed again. "But that's where all the fun is."

McCoy narrowed his eyes at his best friend, holding back his glare. "You just like being a jerk."

"And you like being an ass," Jim said, staring at the hat again.

Bones didn't speak right away and simply stared at Jim for a few silent seconds. He was focused on the weird expression on Jim's face. It was a mixture of emotions, none of which Bones could read. "So you had a meeting with the Admirals?" he asked, changing the subject. He didn't want to deal with the idea of his daughter dating and having kids of her own.

Jim's face scrunched up, but he kept his focus on his cap. "I did."

"And?"

"And we have a new assignment."

McCoy knew it was more than that, and he wasn't afraid to push Jim harder. "I know it's more than that."

"Same old, same old, Bones," Jim said as he stopped swirling the cap. "And trust me, you don't want to know. It will bore you to death"

"Bugging you about not having First Officer?" Bones pushed.

Jim glanced at him, as he put the hat on his head, taking a few moments to make sure it was secure. "One of many things," Jim replied. "Nothing to worry about, Bones."

"You look like you have a lot on your mind."

"Well, I am a Captain, and we Captains have a lot on our minds," Jim replied with a smile. Purposefully, he cracked his knuckles in front of him, picking up his speed.

Bones gave Jim a look, clearly annoyed with Jim's side-stepping. "Do you know how hardheaded you are?" he asked, arriving outside of the transporter room. "You drive me crazy. I wonder how I still have a mind with you around, not to mention all my hair you're going to prematurely turn grey."

Jim smiled as he walked passed McCoy into the transporter room. "I wonder that all of the time, Bones."

McCoy knew something was up, and it had a lot to do with that meeting. He knew that if he pushed any harder, he could possible push Jim too far. "Hey now," Bones replied, pretending to be hurt as he followed Jim into the room.

* * *

*O*O*

* * *

Jim let out a sigh of relief as he stepped off transporter pad on the _Providence._ There was something about this ship that instantly relaxed Jim, and each step brought a smile to his face. It was more relaxing than anything else that Jim had ever come across. "Home sweet home," Jim smiled.

Bones followed, still eyeing his best friend. He could see Jim's body relax as soon as they beamed aboard.

"Captain," Scotty called as he stepped out from behind the control panel. "How was the trip? Any pretty lasses?" he asked with a smile on his face. After eyeing Jim's formal uniform, he added, "A meeting with the Admirals?"

Jim put on a fake smile, knowing what the Commander was referring to. It was what Jim wanted everyone to think, which was why he said the word 'date.' He wanted, needed, everyone to think that he had finally returned to having numerous dates every time he went planet-side, despite being barely able to stomach the idea of dating anyone. The thought of opening himself up terrified him to the point that it made him sick to his stomach. What if he got hurt again? With a smile still on his face, Jim replied, "We got a new assignment. We head out in a few hours or as sooner if possible."

"Sir?" Scotty replied, confusion present on his face.

Jim didn't have to look back at Leonard to know that he was staring at him. Even after everything that happened, Bones still knew Jim like the back of his hand and could read him like a book. The good Doctor knew the many different masks that Jim wore. There was no doubt that McCoy knew what he was thinking now, and he knew Bones would bug him about it when they were alone.

However, Jim didn't have time to think about what was going on in his best friend's mind. He had been surprised when he learned about the mission as he hadn't expected to receive one so soon after his lecture about finding a First Officer. It had been a nice surprise, despite the details being a bit stretchy. "The outpost in sector ten has gone silent and they want us to check it out."

Bones stepped to the side to get a better look at Jim. "Stretchy?"

"I had sent the mission's logs to both of your P.A.D.D.s," Jim replied as he stared at Scotty, not answering McCoy. Everything that Jones had said earlier all popped back into his head. Jones was correct that there was no reason why Scott couldn't be his First Officer. He would do a fine job if Jim gave it to him, and there was no doubt it wouldn't destroy his friendship with the Engineer.

"I had seen it, Sir, but I haven't had the chance to read it yet," Scotty replied, as he glanced toward his P.A.D.D. sitting on the control panel for the transporter.

Flashing back to when his Chief Engineer had asked about taking the post, Jim had to admit that the Commander could handle it, as he had already shown that he could manage the paperwork. What did he have to lose by giving Scott the post? He could always say the post was cursed, but deep down he knew it was more of his lack of desire to make it work with a First Officer, even if he denied it to everyone. "If you want to by my First Officer, Scotty, you must read these things," he said, smiling.

The Commander's face lit up like a Christmas tree, and it warmed Jim's soul to see it. It made him wonder why he was ever worried in the first place. "Captain, really?"

"Come on, Scotty. I don't know why I didn't see it sooner, but you're only one for the post," he said with a smile as he crossed to the Commander. He grabbed Scotty by the shoulder and lightly shook it. "Don't leave me hanging. Tell me you will do it!"

With every passing second, Scotty's accent became heavier in his excitement. "I will, Jim, and I will be the best First Officer ever!" he said, pulling Jim to into a half hug. "Just you wait."

Jim couldn't get over how excited Scotty was for the post, and could hardly believe that he almost passed this man over. After seeing how happy his new First Officer was, Jim couldn't remember why he was worried in the first place. It was time to move forward, time to stop comparing everything to the past. "You better."

"I shall, Captain," Scotty replied, his accent extremely heavy. "And I'll start lookin' for a replacement for Chief Engineer as soon as possible! Don't worry about it, Captain. He…Or she." He added as if an afterthought, "Will be the best there is. You can count on me!"

The Captain laughed, thinking of how odd it would be for Scotty to be his First Officer. Scotty was completely different than Spock. There was no doubt it would be hard at first, especially not having the best Engineer in the engine room, but he could trust Scotty unlike the others. "I don't think there's anyone better than you, so that might be a little tricky," he teased.

Scotty let go of Jim and turned from him. His focused changed to the door as if he suddenly remembered that he had something important to do. Jim could see the gears turning in his mind. "Scotty," Kirk called, trying to get his attention, but the man did not respond. "Scotty?"

"Don't worry, Captain! I'll find one. Mark my words, Sir. Mark my words!" his new First Officer replied quickly, making his way to the door.

McCoy had trouble controlling his laugher as he watched Scotty leave the transporter room in a hurry. "I think you made that Man's year," he replied with a smile as he turned to his friend.

Jim was shocked. He hadn't thought that Scotty would be that excited about the new post. "I know. You would think he just nailed picking the next Miss Galaxy."

"No, that's your dream," McCoy automatically replied.

A few months ago, the comment would have stung, but now he could feel pieces of his old self returning. It was the piece that belonged to his sense of humor, where he could freely trade jokes with his best friend. "Hey, there's nothing wrong with that. Have you seen the latest Miss Galaxy?" he replied with a laugh.

"I have, but she isn't my type. I'm not into tails," he replied.

"Trust me. Tails are amazing in bed," Jim said, turning toward the door.

Bones shook his head with a deep sigh. "I'm just going to take your word for it," he responded as he followed Jim out of the room. It was after the door slid closed behind them that McCoy spoke again. "Are you okay, Jim? With everything? With Scotty being your First Officer?" he asked.

"I never thought Scotty would be this energetic. He's giving Chekov a run for his money," Jim answered, rubbing his forehead. He didn't know if it was in his head, but he could still hear that Scottish accent echoing in the halls. "I don't know if I can handle that."

"Well you better," McCoy replied as he turned toward the Medical Bay. "Because you are all I can handle for now," he added with a chuckle. "I can't handle anymore insanity."

Kirk paused before he let out a chuckle. "Then you took the wrong post, because this ship has a ton of crazy on it," he replied with a smile as he followed after his Chief Medical Officer.

"Except that Science Officer of yours," Bones muttered. "She's all logic and cold. Stupid hobgoblins."

To most the remark would have been an insult, but it was a joke coming from the Doctor. Although Jim would 'lecture' McCoy, it brought a smile to his face. "Now, Doctor. That isn't very nice," he jokingly admonished him.

"Stupid logic. Always having something to say or add."

Turning serious, Jim gave McCoy a look. "But to be honest, we need some logic, and you can't fault her for that."

His best friend gave him an incredulous look. "I have to give it to you on that, because you're always doing stupid shit. However, just because something is logical, doesn't make it right."

Rubbing his temple, Jim sighed, because Bones was right in both regards. He was always following his gut, always doing stupid things, but he always knew what he was doing. Unlike what everyone thought, Jim wasn't completely stupid. He was smart and calculating. Yes, he took risks, but they were calculated ones. He never took a risk without knowing all the details, and though each risk was dangerous, he knew what he was doing was right. "Oh, I know, but hey, my plans always work."

McCoy let out a loud laugh. "I don't know how."

"Though I'll admit that sometimes I do need some logic thrown at me," he replied, thinking back to all of those times that Spock argued with him. He had lost count of the number of the times he fought with his former First Officer, who never seemed to agree with his risky plans. "Lieutenant Saavik is good for that."

"…What is with you and Vulcans?" McCoy replied, still making his way to the medical bay. "You're like catnip or something to them," he added.

Jim stopped suddenly as his mind started to race. "What?" he asked, barely able to speak. What the hell did Bones mean by that? Catnip?

"I think it's because I spent too much time with Mr. Spock," McCoy said, not noticing that Jim was no longer following him. It wasn't until he didn't hear a response that the Doctor turned around. "Jim?" he uttered, staring at his friend.

"What you talking about?" Jim asked.

McCoy gave him a look before he turned away. "Just forget about it," he whispered.

"McCoy," Jim called, now irritated. Despite his annoyance, he didn't mean for it come out like an order. He didn't know what it was, but McCoy had touched something with that comment. Jim wasn't sure what he was feeling, but something had stirred deep inside him.

With a sigh, the Doctor turned and stepped back to Jim. He put his hand on Jim's shoulder and squeezed, giving his best friend a weak smile. "Jim," he spoke, softly.

"Come one, Bones. Just say it. I've never known you to hold your tongue, and I hate it when you do."

McCoy let go of his best friend's shoulder, but before he could speak, Lieutenant Saavik came into sight as she rounded a corner. Her eyes went straight to Jim, and McCoy could only stare at the two. "And looks who shows up," McCoy muttered softly to himself, though Jim heard it clearly.

"Lieutenant Saavik," Jim greeted as he turned away from McCoy.

"Sir," she replied as stoic as ever. Her left arm was folded behind her back, while her right arm was at her side with a P.A.D.D. in her hand. For a split second, her eyes flashed to the Doctor before her attention was back on her Captain. "Have you had the opportunity to read over those specs I sent you, Captain?"

He sighed as he looked at her. "No, I have not, but we can discuss it later. Right now, we have a new assignment."

Saavik tucked the P.A.D.D. behind her back. "A new assignment, Captain?"

"Yes, I'll be briefing everyone once we leave the dock, but you can send those specs to Commander Scott as well," Jim said.

"Sir?" she asked, stepping her step forward. "I do not understand. Commander Scott is not-"

"He's the _Providence's_ new First Officer, so any important information should be sent to him as well," Jim replied, interrupting her. Scotty being promoted to First Officer hadn't been made official yet, the paperwork was not complete, but Jim thought it was best to start including the Commander. He had to get used to all of the paperwork that he would be completing.

Saavik held a blank expression on her face as she stood perfectly still. "Very well, Sir."

Bones stared at the two of them before he turned. "I'll start preparing the medical bay in case there's anyone injured at that outpost," he replied, not liking the silence. He glanced at her one last time before he left the two of them alone.

Jim eyed McCoy as he left, still feeling uneasy. He had no idea what Bones was hinting at, but it wasn't important at the moment. He had other things to worry about. "I'll need you to be prepared as well."

"Yes, Captain," she replied, her eyes focused on him.

"I'll read those reports as soon as I have a moment," Jim replied. He knew the reports that Saavik had prepared were important, because whatever had immobilized their warp core could return. Their next encounter could be deadly.

The Vulcan nodded. "Very well, Sir, and I will prepare the labs for any new samples that might arrive as well."

"Thank you, Saavik," he said, dismissing her. She stared at him for a second before taking her leave. It was unnerving as it felt like she had been staring into his soul. It was the same way that Spock used to look at him. Was it a Vulcan thing? Perhaps it was since Selek did as well. He didn't know what to make of it.

Jim didn't have time to think about that as he was the Captain of the _Providence_. He had a mission to complete, which required all of his focus. He knew there could be people on that outpost that were injured, and he had to save them. It was what Starfleet was all about: protecting and observing new ways of life, because all life was important.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The End for now.
> 
> SO how long do you think Scotty would last in that Position? Is it really curse?


	3. Growing Pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all.
> 
> I am sorry that it took me soo long. I seem to write block when it comes to this Story. However, here you go. I hope you like it.
> 
> And same copy right applies. I do not own or many any money from this. I did use some lines from the movie in this, but I reworked them.
> 
> Also, thanks to my Beta who proofed this for me.

**Chapter 3:**

**Growing Pains**

* * *

Flames licked Captain Kirk's skin just as he and a few other officers were beamed aboard from the base in Sector Ten. The entire structure was imploding as it sent unnatural flames high into the blackened sky. Walls and ceilings crumbled and fell as it began to collapse in upon itself. By the time the _Providence_ had arrived, it was too late to save the base, and some might even say that it was too late to save the officers trapped inside. Nearly everyone in Starfleet knew that Captain Kirk wasn't a fan of the word impossible, and he wasn't willing to give up.

Yet, Jim knew he should've come up with a better plan then to just beam down and try to save as many people as possible. Sure, they had saved quite a few people already, but they had taken damage to themselves and the ship. No one from his ship had been killed, but the damage was clear. It was like each injury to his crew was his own, as he felt every blow. Jim realized he wouldn't change a thing because he lived to save lives.

When everyone reappeared on the transporter pad, Jim released a breath that he didn't know that he had been holding. If anyone were to ask he would deny it outright, but inwardly he was scared shitless as he waited to be beamed up. For a few long seconds, he wondered if he had risked too much this time. His crew, including himself, almost didn't make it back to the _Providence_ with the unnatural flames, and that wasn't something he was comfortable with. His plan was the best option and it saved the most lives, but maybe it had been too risky.

Snapping back to reality by the shooting pain in his arms and side, Jim forced himself to feet and glanced around the room. He was a part of the last group to beam up, and it seemed like everyone in this group had some kind of injury. Cursing the pain running up his left side and down both his arms, he checked with each person on the transporter pad before he made his way to the engineer behind the control panel.

"Ensign," he called, putting on his best Captain's face. It was difficult with the pain, but he didn't want anyone to see how much he was hurting. He was the Captain and he needed to be strong for his entire crew.

The Ensign looked up. "Yes, Captain."

"Are we moving yet?" he asked. He had ordered Scotty to warp out of the region once everyone was on board, but he could feel the ship wasn't moving. There was something deep in his gut that was telling him something was very wrong with his ship. His instincts were never wrong.

The red shirt looked a little bit scared as he spoke to his Captain. "No, Sir. We're still in Obit."

Jim wanted to curse and yell, but that would only make the situation worse. He couldn't let his pain overwhelm him and turn him into a beast or worse…a crybaby. That wouldn't be good for anyone. "Make sure each person here makes it to the Medical bay," he ordered. "I want everyone to get checked out."

"Yes, Sir."

"I'm heading to the Bridge," Kirk said. He didn't wait for a response as he rushed out of the room, heading to the bridge. His mind was running a dozen different scenarios as to why the _Providence_ hadn't left orbit. Was there something wrong? Did Scotty see something that he didn't like? Jim wasn't sure, but he was going to find out. With each passing second, the pain in his side was growing. He hoped that he could fight the pain off long enough to find the answer.

* * *

*O*O*

* * *

When Jim stepped onto the Bridge, the pain was nearly overwhelming, and it took everything he had to keep upright. Along the way, Jim had found a random black undershirt and pulled it over his head, not wanting to walk onto the bridge with visible burns on his arms and side. That was one image that he didn't want his crew to see, and it wouldn't help anyone if theCaptain came in covered in burns.

Putting on the best face that he could manage, he stepped on the bridge, and for the first time he wasn't greeted with happy faces. Instead of a smiling crew being led by his First Officer, he was met by a loud alarm and a flashing red light. Instead of Scotty in the Captain's chair, it was the young Russian Navigator, who was shouting out orders in a very heavy accent. Despite his accent and the noise from the alarms, the bridge crew understood everything that Chekov was saying as they shouted their responses back.

Jim forced himself to take a deep breath as he eyed the chaotic scene in front of him. He pushed aside his anger at his missing First Officer, as he had to take control of his situation and figure out what the hell was happening. "Chekov, report!" he yelled, louder than that alarm. "And someone silence that alarm!"

An Ensign from the one of the back panels turned to Kirk with wide eyes. "I'm trying, Sir," he said.

"Try manually disconnecting the internal-" Jim started to say, but he never finished as a huge tremor rocketed through the ship. Everyone not sitting had been sent falling to the ground, and Jim barely missed hitting his head on one of the displays. As everyone seemed to be in some kind of daze and were slow in getting to their feet, Jim could feel his panic growing. For a moment he was grateful for the searing pain that now was impacting his entire body, as it was the only thing keeping him alert.

"Chekov!" the Captain yelled, as he glanced around the room.

"Kaptain," the Russian responded. His voice was soft, and his eyes were in a daze. There was blood from his hairline running down his face.

Though no words left Jim's lips, inwardly he was swearing like a pirate. "Is everyone okay?" he finally asked, his eyes not leaving his Navigator. Granted all of his crew meant something to him, but the idea of Chekov hurt didn't sit well with him. The Russian was important to him.

He could hear the cries of his crew as they responded to his question. He could tell that some of them were in pain, but he had a ship to Captain. "Someone escort Ensign Chekov to the Medical Bay."

The unsteady Russian shot to his feet, using one the panels for support. "No, Kaptain. I am needed here!"

Jim could see the determination in his eyes, and he found himself struggling to order Chekov off the Bridge. Did he have the right to order the Navigator off the Bridge when he was in greater pain? It was Jim who was struggling to stay on his feet and think clearly, but that was different. He was the goddamn _Captain_ , and this was where he belonged. "Fine, but someone tell me what the hell is going on?! Where are Lieutenant Saavik and Commander Scott?" he demanded.

Chekov winced in pain as he took a step to one of panels. He ran his fingers over the display, bringing up the ships' cores. Taking a quick glance over the diagram, Jim knew it didn't take an engineer to see something was wrong with the cores. "Somebody explain what is causing this," he yelled as another tremor rocketed through the ship. He wondered if the tremors were coming more from his own body than from the ship.

The Russian looked at him. "Ve are experiencing a disruption in the Cores, Sir."

Upon hearing that, he didn't need to be told where Saavik and Scotty had disappeared to. The pair were in Engineering, trying to stabilize the cores. Wincing as the pain nearly blinded him, he swallowed his raging nausea as he knew that stabilizing the cores took top priority. If the cores ruptured, there would be nothing that could be done to save the ship short of ejecting them. The crew would be left adrift in a nearly dead ship, surviving on impulse engines, or killed in the blast. Jim couldn't stop himself from cursing again. "I assume we're now caught in the planet's gravity?" he asked, moving to his seat. The pain was increasing and black spots were starting to cloud his vision.

"Yes, Sir."

It took everything Jim had not to let a sigh of relief when he sat in his Chair. "Everyone get buckled in," he ordered, knowing this was going to be a very bumpy ride. "Reroute all nonessential power to the thrusters," he yelled.

"Yes, Sir."

"And someone get me Commander Scott on the conn," he demanded. If it wasn't for the fact that he was buckled in, Jim had no doubt that he would be struggling to stay upright in his seat. He knew McCoy was going to have a field day once he saw him, but he would worry about that later.

"Captain," Scotty said, his voice echoing throughout the Bridge a few moments later. It was impossible to miss the worried tones in his voice. Jim could tell he was panicking.

"Report," Jim ordered, feeling another tremor.

There was a pause before the Chief Engineer answered. "…Sir, it ain't lookin' good. It appears that abnormality is back," he said. "Saavik is searchin' for the source of the electro wave as we speak."

Jim fought back a growl. What the hell was happening to his ship? What the hell was this thing? Why did it keep following him? Jim wasn't sure the reason, but he wasn't willing to losing the _Providence_ and the crew so soon. He blinked as his rage nearly equaled his pain. He swallowed and tried to ignore both of them. He had to think of his crew, who were more important than anyone else. He had to get them to safety, though he doubted that they would be able to get all of the wounded out in time. "Find it now, Scotty."

"Aye, Sir. Don't worry. I won't let anything happen to this beauty."

The Captain smiled slightly. "That's what I wanted to hear." The line went silent after that, leaving Jim to deal with every eye on him. "Let's go down to work. And someone shut off that alarm." His ears were ringing.

* * *

*O*O*

* * *

Admiral Pike was beyond angry and was ready to kill someone, namely a certain green-blooded Vulcan. He never expected Spock, out of all the officers on the Enterprise, to disobey a direct order and he didn't know how to deal with it. Seriously, how does a Vulcan even break a direct order? He had never known Spock to act this irrationally, until he had met Jim. He didn't know what it was about James T. Kirk, but he brought out the fight in everyone. For that, the Admiral blamed Kirk.

"Commander, what the hell do you think you're doing? Did you forget the Prime Directive?" Pike hollered into the communicator.

Spock didn't answer right away, taking a few seconds to answer. "I am aware of the Prime Directive, Admiral, and I shall not break it."

"And how are you going to do that?" he asked, still trying to figure how Spock got into the volcano in the first place. How the hell did he get into that heat resistant suit without him noticing? Pike wasn't sure, but he was going to have words with his First Officer, who might become his former First Officer in the next few minutes. "We can't use the transporters to get you out of there."

Again, Spock didn't answer right away, and when he did speak, he ignored the question. "I have activated the device, Admiral. When the countdown is complete, the reaction should render the volcano inert."

It took a few seconds for everything to click in his head. Spock didn't plan on coming back. _What the hell?_ Pike thought. He was really getting sick of these idiots. "Commander," Pike said, using every ounce of his Admiral's voice. How dare he do this to him? How would explain to Jim that Spock was dead? Killed in a volcano while trying to save the primitive natives on this planet? "We're going to have some words in private once I get you aboard this ship."

The line to Spock wasn't clear, and it was getting worse with each passing seconds. It wouldn't be long before the line was completely fried. "The Prime Directive must not be broken."

Admiral Pike glanced toward Sulu. "Can we beam him up if we have direct line of sight?"

"I don't know that we could maintain that kind of altitude." Sulu replied.

"Admiral, my shuttle was concealed by the ash cloud but the Enterprise is too large. If you utilize a rescue effort, it will be revealed to the indigenous species," Spock responded.

_Oh damn!_ Was he really going to let Spock die just to follow the Prime Directive? Yes, he knew how important that rule was, and he knew that it could not be broken, even to save the life of a Vulcan. Yet, could he let Spock die? Could he watch the Vulcan die without doing a fucking thing? Could he ever live with himself? How could he ever look Jim in the eyes again? He was no idiot. He knew it would crush him and take his already fragile life dangerously off course. "And you can't use that same shuttle to get out of there?"

"No," Spock answered. "It was destroyed when I landed."

Pike let out a deep breath as he tried to think of some way to save his hard-headed First Officer. Why didn't anyone listen to him when he gave an order? Why did everyone think they could act just like Jim Kirk and come up with a wild solution that always worked? "Is there a way that we can conceal the _Enterprise_?" he asked.

Sulu rotated, staring at the Admiral. Pike could see he was trying to think of an answer and darkness come over his eyes as he spoke. "No, Sir."

The Admiral glanced around the Bridge. "Does anyone have any ideas?"

Uhura glanced at him, and Pike could also see the darkness in her eyes, as they all knew this was the end. If Jim had been here, Pike had no doubt that he wouldn't hesitate to break the Prime Directive if it meant saving the lives of his crew. "Commander."

The line to the Vulcan was growing worse, and for a second, the Admiral wondered if he had lost him. "Yes, Admiral."

"Tell me what you think Captain Kirk would do in this situation?" he asked, feeling every eye turning to him. He could feel the tension growing on the Bridge.

"Admiral, I do not understand how your question will help the situation."

"Just answer the question, Spock."

Yet again, Spock did not answer right away. "Captain Kirk would not allow any of his crewmembers to die without making an attempt to save them, regardless of the risks."

"That's what I thought," Pike replied. He knew there had been a few exceptions to the rule, but none of those things applied to this situation.

Spock quickly answered. "However, that does not matter here. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few."

Pike felt his blood boil with anger as he listened to Spock. This was the voice of a Vulcan who had given up. This Vulcan-Human hybrid had so much to give to the universe, and he was willing to throw it all away without a second thought. Why? Why the hell would he throw it all away? Was it because of Jim? "You're killing me. You know that?" he asked, not waiting for a response before he turned to Sulu.

* * *

*O*O*

* * *

The pain growing in Jim had become so bad that it was nearly impossible for him to move without screaming. At first it had been easy to ignore the stabbing pain. From the abuse at the hands of people from his own family, to the hell called Tarsus IV, to a pair of certain monster Dalenians, his tolerance for pain had grown. Right now, the pain in his side had become a roaring fire. It pulsed with his heart and grew worse with each breath. And yet none of that mattered, because there was nowhere else that Jim needed to be. He was in the Captain, and this was where he belonged. "Bridge to Sickbay," he called, pressing a button on a chair. His voice was strained.

It took a few moments for McCoy to answer. "Jim, what are you doing about these tremors?" he demanded.

"How fast would it take you to get everyone to an escape pod?" he asked. Abandoning the ship was the last resort, but the cores were unstable, and he didn't know if they could be repaired.

McCoy didn't answer right away, and he didn't need to see his best friend's face to know the expression that was there. "Jim."

He knew by the sound of the Doctor's voice that it wasn't good. "That isn't what I want to hear," he said, through his teeth. He wondered if McCoy could hear the pain in his voice.

"I'm sorry, Jim."

Those words were the last thing he wanted to hear. How the hell did he lose this ship so fast? What kind of Captain was he? "It's fine. Just see what you can do and get back to me."

"Shall do…But Jim."

"Not now, McCoy."

There was a long pause. "I want you down in my Medical Bay after this. I want to give you a full medical check. It's not a request. It's an order."

Jim snorted. Of course, Bones would say that even though there was a chance they wouldn't make it. "Of course, Bones." He said, as he closed the line.

"Kaptain," Chekov called.

With a sigh, Kirk glanced at Chekov, wondering if he was cursed. Did he just sentence his crew to death? Did they all hate him? "Yes, Chekov."

"I don't knov hov long ve can hold this for."

Jim knew it was only a matter of time before gravity took over and they crashed…or the cores exploded. He didn't know which would be first, but he knew either way they were screwed. "Ensign Zola," he called, turning to the communication station. He knew it was too late to call for help, as no one would be able to get here in time. It was protocol that he send Saavik's data and the last shipwide download to Starfleet. He had to make sure that one else suffered the same fate.

"Yes, Captain."

"Make sure that Starfleet gets the Data File XP2392," he ordered.

"Yes, Sir."

Jim glanced down at the control panel on this chair. His vision blurred from the pain and chaos, forcing him to use his memories to guide his hands. The _Providence_ wasn't going to last long under the gravitational pull from the planet and the tremors from the cores. If there was one thing he would have entered in his final log was that he was surprised that the _Providence_ held up for so long. There was no doubt that this ship was best of the fleet. Just briefly it reminded him of another impressive ship… the one that had held up against Nero.

If he were completely honest with himself, he would have to say that still missed the _Enterprise._ That ship may be his past, but it made him who he was. With the exception of the time after his nightmare first meeting with the Dalenians, he wouldn't change that time for the world. He would also admit that he missed his old crew. It wasn't to say his new crew wasn't top notch. There was a flow with his former crew that he didn't have yet with his current crew. There hadn't been enough time. And then there was Spock. He still didn't know how he felt about that Vulcan, but there was something in his heart. Something that always flickered when he thought of the Vulcan he had once considered his soulmate. He didn't know what it was, but even now, in the middle of a crisis that could destroy the ship and kill the entire crew, he couldn't stop thinking about Spock.

_Damn him._

"Engineering to Bridge."

Shaking out of his thoughts, Jim pressed his fingers to the comm. "Kirk here. Scotty, what do you have for me?" he asked, as he balled his hands. His nails dug into his palms, drawing more blood.

"Saavik and I have come up with a plan, Sir."

"What is it?" he asked, harshly.

There was a pause. "We're unable to stabilize the cores. However, if we eject them, the force of the explosion can free the ship from the gravitational pull of the planet."

They had ejected the cores before to escape from Nero and the black hole, but those cores were stable. These were ready to explode at any second. "Can the _Providence_ survive that?" He would have asked about the risks to the crew, but he couldn't do that in front of them.

"Sir, if this was any other ship, I would say nye; however, this ship can handle anything. I trust her, Sir."

Jim had to admit that he liked Scotty's optimism, but he some part of him still had doubts. He still had trouble trusting anyone. What if Scotty was wrong? What if it killed everyone under his control? Feeling another tremor followed by a near blinding wave of pain, he knew there was no other choice. If they didn't take the chance, people would die. "Lieutenant Saavik," he called.

"Yes, Captain," she answered a few seconds later.

He wasn't sure why her opinion had become so important to him. Maybe it was because she was a Vulcan like his former First Officer. Maybe it was because he could trust her to give him a logical answer. "You have studied this abnormality before. What is your opinion of this?"

"Commander Scott is correct. This is the only course of action I can recommend," she responded.

Jim turned to the panel, staring at the screen for a moment. "Do it. Do it now."

"Aye, Sir."

* * *

*O*O*

* * *

Admiral Pike was staring at his First Officer with every interest of ripping into him. How dare Spock put him in a situation like that? How dare he force his hand like that? How dare he do this to him after everything that he had done for Jim Kirk? It felt like a betrayal. "Commander, what the hell were you thinking?" he asked in his full admiral tone.

They were in the Admiral's personal quarters, which at one time had been Captain Kirk's quarters, as Pike didn't want to have this argument where anyone could hear them. He didn't want anyone to hear how livid he was that Spock was willing to throw everything away. He wanted to know why he had been so willing to throw away his career and his life.

"You violated the Prime Directive," Spock in a Vulcan monotone.

Pike let out a sigh. "It was you who violated the Directive first, Commander. I was merely correcting what you were doing." He narrowed his eyes at Spock, not seeing anything in his First Officer's eyes. It was unnerving. "Starfleet's mandate is to explore and observe, not to interfere."

Spock stood perfectly still. Without blinking or looking away, his eyes were drilled into Pike. "Had the mission according to plan, Admiral, the indigenous species would never have been aware of the interference."

"That's a technicality."

"I am Vulcan, sir. We embrace technicalities."

Pike felt himself twitch, because he couldn't believe this was happening. Was he channeling Kirk? "You givin' me attitude, Spock?"

"I'm expressing multiple attitudes simultaneously, sir. To which are you referring?"

Spock was really driving him crazy, and he didn't know how to respond with anything besides anger. "Enough, Commander. You were wrong," he coldly replied. "You were supposed to survey a planet, not alter its destiny! You violated a dozen Starfleet regulations and almost got everyone on this ship killed, trying to save you."

"You could have left me to die."

_No, I couldn't,_ Pike countered to himself. It was the last thing that he could have done. "Why did you break protocol?" he asked. It was the one thing that he wanted to know.

The Vulcan didn't answer it right away, taking a few moments to speak. His lips twitched as he searched for something say. "As I said before, Admiral, had the mission according to plan, the indigenous species would never have been aware of the interference."

Pike's eye was twitching. Spock had just repeated the same excuse word for word. "Do you have any idea what a pain in the ass you are?"

Spock was still staring, his lips twitching. "I do not understand how I can be causing pain to your-"

Pike gave him a deadly glare. He hated when his First Officer played stupid and acted like he didn't understand what others were saying. In reality, he knew exactly what everyone meant. The Admiral wondered if this all was just a game to him. "Enough! You know what you did, Commander, and I want to know why. I want to know why a _Vulcan_ went against the regulations. Why would someone of your rank and history risk his career? I want the real reason."

"My calculations were off."

For a moment, Pike wondered if he was hearing things. _His calculations were off?_

At this point he wanted to curse and throttle some sense into him, but he couldn't do that. He was the Captain on this ship and he had to be professional and reasonable at all times. "You joke, but are you aware of what could happen, Spock?" he asked, his voice softening. "You could lose your rank over this. You can be dishonorably discharged." Pike expected some of kind reaction from the Vulcan, but there was nothing. Where there was once life and a sense of curiosity behind his eyes, there was only cold and a sense of defeat. "Spock?"

Spock didn't answer right away. Then the look of defeat was gone and replaced by a Vulcan glare that could put fear into anyone. "If that is the price, then I accept it."

"No regrets?"

"None. I saved lives."

There was the answer. Pike now realized what this was about, because he could see a bit of James Kirk in Spock's eyes. This was all about Jim, and the Admiral felt his heart drop. It was always about Jim. "Spock." He uttered. His voice was almost too soft for anyone to hear.

"Who decides my fate?" Spock asked, not missing a beat.

Christopher couldn't believe what he was seeing. It was as if Spock had just given up living. Pushing up against the desk, he stood and stepped toward the Vulcan. If it had been anyone besides Spock, he would have placed a comforting hand on the Officer's shoulder. "This is about Jim, isn't it?" he asked, already knowing the answer.

Unable to hide it from the Admiral's watchful eyes, tension rose in Spock's shoulders. "I fail to see how this has anything to do with Captain Kirk."

"Your actions are exactly what Jim would have done."

Spock's eyes drilled into him. "I fail to see how that is important?"

Pike knew Spock was just as bad as Jim when it came to admitting anything. They were both stubborn as bulls who would never admit it. It made him wonder how the hell those two were ever in a relationship to begin with. Seriously, how the hell did those two work together? He doubted that Jim ever listened to Spock in or out of the bed…. _Nope,_ he thought. He did not want that image in his head. Jim was a son to him, and as any parent would, he didn't want to imagine his 'child' having sex with anyone. "Come on! You can't tell me that Jim leaving hasn't affected you. You can't tell me that you're coping, because I can see how hard this is for you."

The Commander's eye twitched. "If you do not believe I can perform my duties, then I will resign right now, Admiral."

This was not how Christopher imagined this conversion would go. He didn't want to lose Spock as First Officer, but it couldn't keep going on like this. "That isn't it, Spock, and you know it."

"Do I?"

Pike let out a sigh. "You know I care about you, right? I care what happens to you." He may not have been as close to Spock as Jim had been, but it didn't mean he was any less important.

Spock's eyes narrowed at him. "What will be my fate?" he asked.

This conversion was driving the Admiral insane. "There will be a special tribunal, but I am not aware of what else." The Vulcan nodded as he turned toward the door without saying a word. It drove Pike farther up a wall, because there was nothing that he could do. "You can talk to me. I know how it feels to lose someone. I-"

Spock froze, but he didn't turn back to the Admiral. His shoulders were stiff and his indifference turned to anger. "I beg your pardon, Admiral," he sneered, as he tried to keep his demeanor. "It seems like you and everyone else will never understand what Captain Kirk means to me. He is not another person, and what happened is not as simple as losing someone. He is my _T'hy'la._ He _is_ my other half. He completes me. Even now, separated by different ships, space, and Jim's anger, my katra still calls to him. My entire being needs him, and yet, I cannot have him. You do not, cannot, understand how that feels, especially when I have no one else to blame besides myself."

Pike stared at him, unable to find his voice. What the hell just happened? Did Spock just admit to feeling something? Did he just reveal what was going on in his head? However, before the Admiral could say anything, the Vulcan left without another word. How was he supposed to respond to that? How was he supposed to help Spock get over this? He wasn't sure, but his First Officer had dug himself a huge hole that Pike wasn't sure he would save him from.

* * *

*O*O*

* * *

Despite being in excruciating pain, Jim was smiling as the _Providence_ was pushed free of the gravitational pull. His relief was short-lived as now they could only use impulse power to get back to Earth. Usually, it would take seven hours to get to this sector, but now it would take days, eight if they were lucky, to get home. To make matters worse, the ship had taken some damage from the exploding cores as they ejected them. While the damage wasn't enough to completely disable the ship, they were now vulnerable if they ran into any hostile ship. Shields were at seventy percent, phasers were down, and only half their torpedo tubes were functional. However, Jim knew he should be counting his blessings that Saavik and Scotty kept the disruption to the cores. Life support systems were all functioning, while replicators and air refreshers were at optimal levels.

He checked another list. _Water and sewage systems are functional, that's a plus._ Jim thought as he ran down the list. _We'll have to conserve energy everywhere we can._ Jim knew what that meant. The rec rooms and holodecks will have to remain offline. The exercise and strength training rooms will have to be closed. Lights in some areas would have to be turned off. He sent a message to Scotty to start designating crew members for repair work.

Jim bit down on his lips as he got to his feet. He knew he should go see McCoy, but with some of the people from the station still waiting to be examined, he wasn't going to go down and skip the line. He was going to wait until everyone, including his own crew, was checked before he made his way down to the Medical Bay. Plus, he had to check in with Saavik and Scotty. His new First Officer had mentioned that he wanted to show him something.

"Chekov, you have the Conn," Jim said, leaning against the Captain's Chair. He could feel something warm run down his side as he stood, and it didn't take a genius to know what it was. Even in his haze, he knew it was blood. The wounds were now actively bleeding. He could feel the blisters from the burns had opened. He could feel each individual burn and cut rubbing against the material of his clothes.

"Yes, Kaptain," the Russian replied. His eyes were studying his Captain.

Jim nodded as he turned to the lift. _Damn it all,_ he thought as he forced himself to walk. How the hell did he get this injured? Yes, he knew he had been frequently injured on missions, but Bones was always there to immediately start treatment. Now this time it was different. Since he had taken that first step off the transporter pad and felt the first wave of pain, his entire body felt like he was going to die at any second.

When Jim entered the lift, he leaned his head against the cold wall as his hand went to his side. He groaned at the sudden pressure and almost immediately withdrew his hand. He could see the large amount of blood on his hand, and if it wasn't for the black undershirt, he was sure everyone would have noticed it. He knew his crew would have freaked if they had seen the severity of his injuries. The focus would have been taken off saving the ship to make sure he had been treated. This was his new ship. This was his new crew. He had been determined to save both, and if it required him fighting the pain and waiting to see McCoy, then so be it.

With a deep sigh, Jim forced himself out of the lift and made his way to the Engineering room. Keeping his head up, he walked down the hall, and though he put a smile on, he made sure to avoid looking at anyone in the face. He had no doubt that his pain was visible to anyone who looked hard enough.

Just as the doors to Engineering came into view, Jim stumbled to the side of the hallway and fell hard against the curved wall. Biting his lips and clenching his jaw, he found himself unable to push away from the wall. Every attempt failed, leaving blood smears in the shape of hands on the crisp white walls. He could barely move his arms, and soon, it was only the wall that was keeping him up. The lights blurred together, and he felt something rise to the back of his throat. "Fuck," he thought to himself, staring at the hand print on the wall. Maybe he should have gone to see Bones before making his way down the hall.

Now, he was completely alone, bleeding out, and he had no one to blame but himself. This was why Spock was always so mad, because he always did stupid shit like this. The Vulcan knew there was a high chance he would be injured on a mission and would always stop him from pushing himself this hard. Now, he wasn't here to do it anymore. There was no one here to watch him like that Vulcan did, and Jim was starting to wonder if that was a bad thing. _I don't need a babysitter…or maybe you do._ He thought, fighting with himself.

With his back to the wall, Jim slid down the wall to the floor, leaving a blood trail. He leaned his head back and closed his eyes. He was an idiot. Why did he push himself like this? Bones could have patched him up in no time, but instead he had gone immediately to the bridge. Why? He kept telling himself that he was needed on there because he was the Captain. However, all he-

"Captain!"

Jim slowly opened his eyes as he forced himself to look up. In front of him was Saavik, and at that moment, she was most beautiful thing in the universe. He didn't know what it was, but he couldn't look away from her. "Saavik."

Her dark eyes drilled into him, staring him down. "What were you thinking?" she asked. Her voice was calm, but he could sense something else was there.

She had the same tone that Spock had whenever he found him in a state like this. He needed that. "How's my ship?"

Her hands hovered above him for a few seconds before she placed it on his shoulders. "Despite recent events, the ship is running at optimum levels. Let-"

Jim tried to put on a big smile, as if Saavik couldn't see the blood on the walls. "Good job, Saavik," he replied, as he shakenly rested a hand on her forearm. His head felt dizzy, but he couldn't stop smiling at her. Why shouldn't he be smiling? What was wrong with smiling at her? She was that voice of reason in his head that he needed.

Saavik's eyes dropped down to the hand on her arms before she glanced back Jim. "You have lost a lot of blood, Captain," she replied. "I need to alert Doctor McCoy."

"No," he uttered, though he wondered why he said that. Maybe, he just wanted to stay like this with her?

Her hand gave Jim's shoulder a squeeze as her other hand reached for the communicator in her hand. "I understand, Captain." She said, her voice suddenly turning soft. "However, you are not thinking clearly. I need to alert, Doctor McCoy. Your health is vital to the running of this ship."

That was what…. _What was his name again?_ Jim wasn't sure anymore. He wasn't even sure if he was still on the _Providence_. "Just to the ship?"

Her lips twitched as she looked to him. "No, Jim."

Jim felt his heart race as she put the communicator to her lips. He couldn't hear what she was saying, but when she flipped it closed and put it away, he could spot the worry on her face. Wasn't she Vulcan? Wasn't she supposed to stay focused at all times?

Before he could think about it anymore, he felt another hand on his shoulder. He was barely able to look over to see a worried Scottish man. Jim had never seen Scotty look so worried. He didn't understand why any of them were worried. The pain wasn't as bad anymore. He could hardly feel it now. As darkness closed in around his eyes, he could vaguely hear the voice of the Chief Engineer screaming at him. Two sets of strong arms wrapped around him as everything went black a few moments later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH shit. Jim. Maybe, you should have gone to see Bones.
> 
> And it seems like he is looking at Saavik weird.
> 
> And What is going on with Spock? He is acting crazy
> 
> until Next time.


	4. The Mystery of One Self

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello All!
> 
> I am sorry about the long wait for this. It took me months to get this chapter to paper. I had a bad case of writing block. Bad case.
> 
> So please don't kill me!
> 
> I will try to be better, but I am a horrible update.
> 
> So here you go!
> 
> Be warned: This is unbeta. My Beta has a life unlike me!

**Chapter 4**

**Mystery of One Self**

* * *

When Jim woke, he was horrified to realize that he was completely alone. He despised the feeling and longed for someone to come in and sit with him. He didn't realize how used he had become to someone sitting at his bedside whenever he found himself in the medical Bay. They didn't have to say anything. They could just sit there, and he would be happy. For a while, it had been Doctor McCoy and Spock, and even if all they did was lecture him, he had to admit it was nice just to have them there. It felt nice to know that there was someone watching over him, protecting him.

Shaking his head, Jim pushed himself up into a sitting position, as he looked around. He recognized his private room as he had been in the medical bay so often that Bones felt it necessary for him to have his own room. The Captain in him knew the real reason as they didn't need the crew to panic at the sight of the injured Captain. Granted, Jim was sure him almost dying could and would have done that.

Jim could feel the joints in his spine crack as he sat himself up in the bed. He wondered for a moment if his legs were strong enough to support his weight, but remembered that falling on the floor was the least of his worries. Bones would throw a fit if he caught him out of bed, and he would probably hypo him, leaving him to drool on the floor. This time Jim was willing to risk it.

As if Bones could read his mind, the good Doctor made his entrance into his room. His eyes were drilling into Jim, seeing his legs over the edge of the bed. "You better get your ass back in that bed, Jim," he said, his accent heavy. "I didn't save your life just for you to kill yourself."

Jim let out a chuckle. "Oh, you know me, Bones. I never make it easy."

Bones gave him a stern look. "Oh, I do, and we need to talk about that."

The Captain let out a sigh, not wanting to hear another lecture from the Doctor. He knew it was coming, and his best friend did have a point, but he wouldn't change a thing. Yes, he may have done some very stupid things, but he was never going to be sorry. He would always be willing to risk his life for crew. "You're going to yell at me, aren't you?"

"You bet your ass, I am," he replied. "You gave us all a really good scare!" McCoy was angry. "How did you think you dying would help anyone? Tell me, Jim. Do you ever think anything through?"

For a moment Jim wondered if he should feel insulted. Looking into the worried eyes of his best friend, he knew McCoy had a point. "How's the ship?" he asked.

Bones gave him a look. "We're heading back on impulse power and that's all I know. Don't ask anyone else because I ordered everyone to give you limited information." He snapped, stepping to him. He ran the medical scanner over his best friend. "Now sit still."

Jim left out a harsh sigh. "I am not child," he uttered, annoyed. "And this is my ship."

"Then stop acting like one," Leonard replied back, giving him a look. "What were you thinking, Jim?" he asked, as he ran the scanner over Kirk. He narrowed his eyes at the readings on the screen. "Do you realize what would happen if you died? Did you really think about what would happen to the ship?"

Jim didn't need nor want to hear this, because he knew exactly what would happen to his ship if he died. After all, he was the Captain. "Scotty can handle the ship."

McCoy looked up from the scanner and gave Kirk a nasty look. "Don't make me hurt you."

"Yeah, but what would become of that oath you doctors take?" Jim shot back. "You know, first do no harm."

The Doctor snorted. "That wasn't the oath I took."

Jim let out a harsh sigh, hating where this conversion was heading. He didn't want to fight with Bones, not when he was right. Jim knew he should have gone to the medical bay after beaming aboard. It was extremely stupid to go without medical attention when he was bleeding. It would have helped no one if he had died from blood loss on the bridge. "Are you sure?" he asked, teasing. "No, you have to be, because you would be breaking that oath every time you treated me."

"Ha Ha," McCoy mocked. "Very funny, but you're lucky that you haven't driven me to killing you. I could get away with it too, because I can say you drove me to it."

"I want to say that no one would believe you, but…" Jim put on a big smile as he pretended to weigh the air in front of him with his hands. "We all know they would. I'm surprised that Pike hasn't killed me yet."

McCoy smiled. "You know we have bets to how long it takes Pike to snap and kill you."

"So are you winning?" Jim asked, eyeing him as he laid back. "If so, what are you going to win?"

The Doctor let out a laughing sigh. "I've already lost," he snorted out. "I thought Pike would have killed you months ago."

Jim let out chuckle. "You have little faith."

"I just know you too well, Jim."

The Captain eyed the Doctor. The man knew him so well that there were times that Jim thought Leonard could read his mind. "So how long have I been out for?" Jim asked, as he stared up at the ceiling. His arms were folded across his chest, as he tried to remember what exactly happened. He wasn't feeling any pain, but his body felt almost alien to him.

"Four days," McCoy quietly replied. "It was bad, Jim." He paused, as dread fell on McCoy's face. There was no doubt that the situation was worse than the Doctor was willing to admit. "I can fix a lot of things, but death isn't one of them, and you almost died." Jim could hear McCoy's southern accent become thicker as he spoke. Since the day they met, Jim knew his accent would always get heavier the more emotional he became.

"I'm sorry."

Something in Bones snapped as he heard those words. "You're sorry? Is that all you have to say?" Anger in the Good Doctor was always a scary thing, and only a fool wouldn't take McCoy seriously when he was like this.

Jim took a deep breath, as he struggled with finding the right words. He knew what McCoy wanted him to say. It was the same thing that Spock always wanted to hear. It was funny to think how much Spock and McCoy were alike in that matter, though neither side would ever admit that. However, Jim had no interest in lying to either of them just to tell them what they wanted to hear. He knew he would never change and would always risk his life for this crew. More importantly, they were his family, and he would do anything for his family.

McCoy gave him a look like he knew exactly what was going through Kirk's head. "Will you just be careful, then? It's too hard to train a new best friend."

Jim let out a snort as he pushed himself up. He was about to swing his leg over the edge, but the look McCoy gave him stopped him. "O, come on. I'm fine."

Bones narrowed his eyes at Jim. "You almost died, Jim. You have to rest. No, you _need_ to rest, and as your Chief Medical officer, I can order you to that, which is what I'm doing right now."

Jim forced back his groan as he fell back down in bed. "For how long?"

"Until we get you back to Earth."

"You're killing me."

"You're killing _me_ ," Leonard replied. "But man up, Jim. It's only four days."

Jim could feel his eye twitch, but he knew Bones was correct. As he lay back down in bed, he could feel the muscles in his body protest, and he knew McCoy was right. But right now, he had no interest in sleeping. He never had any interest in sleeping, nor in dreaming. If he could take pills that knocked him out cold, he would. Ever since the terrible attack that shattered his universe, his dreams had been nothing more than nightmares. "Fine, but if Scotty commands this ship into a black hole, it's on you."

McCoy let out a sigh. "I think you're confusing him with you."

"Ouch," Jim replied, pretending to be hurt as he laid his hand over his heart.

"Don't worry, Jim. This ship is in good hands," he replied.

Jim knew he was right, which was why he trusted the Chief Engineer who was now his First Officer, but there was something off. Something just didn't feel right. He didn't know what it could be, and it was driving him crazy.

Bones smiled. "And you can talk to Saavik while you're up. That Vulcan is like anther Vulcan we know. She likes to hover." He said.

"What?" Jim uttered.

* * *

*O*O*

* * *

Spock had kept to himself ever since the incident, refusing to acknowledge anyone who tried to talk to him about it. He had no interest in ever addressing it before the special tribunal, which the Vulcan didn't care about. He wasn't worried about the outcome, considering he could lose his rank. He just didn't care one way or another, as it truly did not matter what happened to him. To say that it did would be admitting that he was emotionally compromised, and it was something his Vulcan side refused to do. Wherever he ended up, it would change nothing. As long as his skills were used, it didn't matter where he was located. To a Vulcan, he just needed to be useful.

It didn't matter if he was allowed to remain in Starfleet or reduced to working in some private lab. It didn't matter if he was testing human blood samples for iron deficiency or finding the cure to some rare incurable disease, as the only thing he cared about (Besides Jim) was using his brain and showing his worth. Even if it was illogical and shameful to admit, he enjoyed learning. He enjoyed solving complex problems that no others could do. He wouldn't mind spending his career at Starfleet Academy. He had taught a few classes and could admit to himself that he enjoyed it.

It might be better if he wasn't stationed on the _Enterprise_ , as everything on this ship reminded him of Jim, making it difficult to function without thinking about his former Captain. Even now after all of this time, he still had not gotten the loud, frustrating, blond haired, blue-eyed Captain out of his mind. There were times when he found himself replaying in his mind every interaction, looking for all the clues that he had missed. There were so many…

The Vulcan had been relieved from duty the second the _Enterprise_ 's course was set to Earth. Spock wasn't concerned or shocked when Pike informed him, because he expected it. He had broken quite a few regulations and was surprised at how the Admiral reacted, considering he went against orders. Officers had been thrown in the brig for doing less, and he wasn't sure if it was good or bad that he was currently confined to his quarters instead of being under arrest.

Instead of worrying about the possible outcome, Spock was focused on a project that he had been working on in the labs. Pike had not completely taken away his access, allowing him to check on the status of his current experiments. He was currently scanning through the data that he collected. It would take him a few days to review the entire amount of information. Focusing on all the statistics allowed him to block out everything around him.

He had become so focused that he didn't notice when Uhura had beeped his quarters and entered without permission. He didn't notice her until she was a few feet from him, but Spock didn't flinch when he looked up. He stared for a few seconds as his jaw locked in place, and his eyes narrowed at her.

He didn't know why she kept coming into his quarters, trying to tell him how to act, but he had enough of it. The human woman had become "a pain in his neck". A phrase his mother had often used when dealing with some of her relatives. When he had asked her what the phrase meant, she had explained that it was a human expression that described people or objects that had become a source of constant irritation.

"Spock, what are you doing?" she asked, her eyes drilling into him. She was clearly upset as she placed her hands on her hips.

Spock knew the answer she wanted, but it was none of her concern. She didn't need to worry herself with his business, especially when she had other things that required her attention. "I am analyzing the data from-"

"Spock!" Uhura yelled. "That isn't what I mean and you know it!"

Even if the Vulcan was horrible at reading emotions, he knew the woman was angry. "Nyota," he uttered, turning away from the monitor.

"What the hell were you thinking? They might dishonorably discharge you from Starfleet! Is that what you want?" she all but yelled. Her hands were balled at her side, as her face was crunched up in anger. Her whole body was shaking. "Did you think about how everyone else would feel when you almost killed yourself?"

"The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few."

Uhura's eye twitched as it clearly wasn't the answer she wanted. "Spock."

Spock could hear the anger and pain in her voice, but he did not- would not regret his actions. It was true: the needs of the many outweighed the needs of the few, and he would never feel regret for saving the lives of others. It was at that moment that he was struck with the realization: he was becoming Jim. It was exactly how Jim justified his actions whenever he had done something risky.

"What about Kirk?" she snapped, when the Commander did not respond. "What would he say if he knew?"

Anger flashed inside of him at the name of his former lover. He couldn't understand the purpose of everyone bringing up Jim lately. Jim Kirk wouldn't change anything, and it only made him feel empty. It only made him feel like he was losing everything all over again. "Captain Kirk would have most likely agreed with my actions," he said. It was one of the reasons why he did not have any regrets. In some sense, it was how he remained close to the hotheaded Captain, who would always risk his life for others. It was the only way he could feel close to Jim again, and it was a feeling that he wouldn't give up for the world.

"Maybe so, but he wouldn't want you to kill yourself!"

Spock eyed Uhura, who was glaring at him so strongly that he wondered if she was trying to intimidate him. "As Captain Kirk is no longer my Captain, he would not have been informed of my death, and he would most likely not care," he replied, ignore the rising emotions in his chest.

She looked like she had punched him in the face at sound of his words. "You can't believe that. You know he cares. He just can't…" She drifted off, staring off into his eyes.

"In either case, it does not matter. The opinion of my former beloved is no longer relevant, nor will it hold any weight at the tribunal."

Uhura gave him a hard look. "You better hope you don't get discharged, because then Kirk's opinion might matter, especially when you see him," she snapped. "I hope he gives you an ear full."

Spock wanted her to stop mentioning Jim's name. He wanted her to stop talking about him, as it did nothing for his aching heart. If it were possible, he would purge all of his emotions through the ancient traditions, but he didn't need to attempt that passage to know it would fail. He would never be able to completely rid himself of his emotions. One did not simply rid themselves of their feelings for their _T'hy'la._ "Then his opinion does not matter, as our paths will not cross again."

There was a battle in Uhura's face as she was trying to find the right words. "Are you just going to roll over and give up?" she asked.

His eyebrow rose, unsure of what she was referring to. "Are you referring to Captain Kirk? Or are you speaking about my hearing?" he asked. "In either case, I am ready to receive my punishment. I have disobeyed orders and have shamed my rank by my actions."

"Spock," she sneered. "You're just going to give up? What kind of response is that?"

The Commander did not understand why Uhura had so many issues with his response. He disobeyed a direct order, and he would face the consequences. "I will accept any punishment that the Admirals give me."

"And there's nothing I can do to get you to fight for your rank? To fight for yourself?"

"No," he said, turning back to the monitor. "There is no reason to fight."

"You know Kirk would never allow you to do this."

Spock glanced at her from the corner of his eyes. "Captain Kirk has no say in this."

Uhura's fists were balled at her sides, and it took everything she had not to snap at the Vulcan. "Fine, be an idiot, but I am not going sit around and do nothing!" With that, she turned around and took a step to the door. Without turning back, she added, "And for the record, I am glad you're okay, but this is crazy and you know it."

There was a part of him that wished Uhura wouldn't care, but there was another part that was grateful she did. However, her statement worried him, and he couldn't help but wonder if she was up to something.

* * *

*O*O*

* * *

Jim gave Saavik a look, not buying the garbage she was saying. She had entered his quarters under the impression that she had figured out what had caused the disruption in the cores, but she never mentioned them. Instead, she had brought a tray of food, which happened to be topped with everything that Bones had ordered him to eat. She tried to explain that the food on the tray would help his recovery, but Jim could only stare at the pile of vegetables and other healthy foods.

"I must insist that you eat, Captain," Saavik said. She was standing straight on the other side of Jim's desk, not moving from her spot. Her eyes were focused on him.

"I don't know how I feel about you and Bones teaming up against me," he replied, leaning back in his chair. Every muscle in his body hurt, and his side still ached. Knowing he had no one to blame besides himself, he didn't say anything.

Saavik gave him a look. "If you were to eat it, Sir, there need not be any fuss about it."

Still staring at her, he picked up his fork only to poke at his food. He knew he was being silly, but nothing on the plate looked appetizing. He couldn't wait until he was back on Earth where he could enjoy a juicy hamburger and a big milkshake. "Logical doesn't work on me, Lieutenant Saavik," Jim said. "I think you should know this before you try anymore."

"You speak as if I did not already know this, Captain."

Jim's eye brow rose, as he eyed the Vulcan in front of him. "You have some jokes, don't you?" he asked with a chuckle.

For a second, Saavik's expression softened slightly as if to smile, and then returned to its stoic form. "I am speaking only the truth," she replied. "Your riskiness is widely known."

"Oh, is it? Then why did you take the post?" he asked, giving the Vulcan a look. "I thought my illogicalness would drive any sane Vulcan away."

Saavik's eyebrow rose. "You have already inquired about that, Captain. Sarek bel-"

Jim put up his hand to silence her. "I asked why you are here, not why Sarek thinks you would be a good fit," he said, remembering the conversion. This Vulcan—This Woman confused him to no end, and to his annoyance, no matter how much he tried, he could not figure her out.

She didn't answer him right away. "I am sorry, Sir. I am afraid that I do not know how to answer that. I joined Starfleet to explore new worlds and-"

"No," Jim said, interrupting her again. With a deep sigh, he added, "Why are you serving under me? Anyone with a brain would know that a Vulcan and me would _not_ be a good match. I'm surprised you've lasted this long under me, since I have no idea how Commander Spock did it."

Saavik glanced down at the plate of food that Jim kept pushing around with his fork. "There is no other Captain that I wish to serve under, Jim. What makes you a good Captain cannot be defined by Vulcan Standards."

"So you like me for my craziness?" he chuckled. He chose to ignore the tightness in his chest at the sound of his first name. He didn't know why it got to him. It was the first time she had ever called him by his first name without a battle.

"Yes, Captain."

Just like that, it was gone as she switched back to using his rank, which only left Kirk more confused. "Not afraid that I will take you down with me?"

"No, I am not. Why don't you eat, Captain?"

Jim let out sigh. "You are almost as bad as Bones."

Saavik gave him a look. "Doctor McCoy is only looking out for your welfare."

The Captain let out a snort. "A hamburger never hurt anyone."

"Given enough time, I am certain you can find someone who had been injured by a hamburger," she replied, as she glanced up to Jim's face.

Jim's eyes twitched. "My crew is against me!" he whined, pretending to be hurt as he threw his head back. He knew it was the opposite. His crew, even only serving under him for a short time, believed in him and would follow his every command without question. They were loyal to him, even if they would not give him a hamburger.

Saavik's eyebrow rose to the scene in front of her. If she thought of him as a child, she didn't say it. "Sir," she started with a bit of hesitation in her voice.

"Yes?" Jim asked, straightening himself up.

"If you eat the food that Doctor McCoy has provided to you, I will obtain a hamburger for you," she said, remaining still. Her face was void of any emotion as she spoke. Jim stared at her for a moment and could see nothing that showed she was joking.

"Are you joking?" Jim asked, looking for any deception in her face.

"No, Sir."

Jim's eyes widened as a smile broke out on his face. Sure, he would have to eat this green shit in front of him, but this was a score. Spock would have never agreed to something like that, saying he needed to follow McCoy's instructions, but it seemed like Saavik was willing. "Really?"

"As long as you keep up your daily intake of vitamins and keep to McCoy's dietary instructions, a hamburger will not harm you," she said, still standing as stoic as ever. "…Unless you eat it too swiftly and choke, Captain, but that can be said about any nourishment."

"I love you!" he said, as he forked one of the items on his place. It was after he stuck the piece in his mouth that he realized what he said. _Shit!_ He thought. "Shit," he uttered, staring at the Vulcan. "I didn't mean it like that!" He dropped his fork as he got to his feet. Panic started to flow through him, realizing the error he had just made. There was no doubt in his mind that Saavik was going to report him now. _First, the hand touching and now this?_ He was screwed. "I mean as friend…Shit, I'm sorry! I say it to Bones all the time. I mean no disrespect. Shit."

Saavil's eye brow rose, but she didn't look insulted or disgusted. "There is no need to apologize, Captain."

Kirk would like to think he didn't ramble when he was nervous, but there were times that he did. This was one of those times. "No, but I do. I don't want you to think that-"

"Captain, would you like to play a game of chess?" she asked, changing the subject, as she finally moved her gaze. Her eyes were now on the 3D Chess Board that Jim had set up on the other side of the room.

It stopped Jim cold as he watched Saavik gather up the board and bring it back to the desk. "Chess?" he asked, his voice slightly shaking.

"Yes, Captain. I was under the impression that you knew how to play," she said as she set it up in front of the Captain. Once the board was completely set up, the Vulcan took a seat across from Jim.

Jim watched her movements. For a Vulcan, he had expected her to be insulted by those words, but it didn't seem to bother her. In fact, she seemed unfazed by them, which struck Jim as odd, but he wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth. "You're correct. I know how to play chess," he said.

"Are you opposed to a game?"

"I might be a little rusty, but I would never turn down a game," Jim replied with a smile. He hadn't played much, having only played once in a while with Chekov.

Saavik nodded as she made the first move. "I will not go too hard on you, Captain."

Jim gave a hearty laugh. "Oh, I see how it is. You're on, Saavik," he replied, grinning.

* * *

*O*O*

* * *

Playing against Saavik in chess was completely different than anyone else that Jim had faced. She wasn't as reckless as Chekov, who had a habit of sacrificing his pieces. She wasn't as logical as Spock, who would plan the whole game in his head before he made a move, but Saavik was still a worthy opponent. They had played three games and she beat him twice, but Jim wasn't discouraged. In fact, he enjoyed when he was down, because he enjoyed the fight back. "Best three out if five," Jim said with a smile as he reset the chess board.

"As you wish, Captain," she said, sitting up her own chess pieces.

Jim looked at the Vulcan. She was staring at him, and if he didn't know any better, she was smirking at him. Vulcans didn't smirk, but he could have sworn that she was giving him that look. Without really saying anything, she was teasing him in her own way. "Teasing me, are you?"

"I do not know what you mean," she replied, waving at him to make the first move.

The Captain laughed, throwing his head back lightly. He wasn't sure what it was, but she was easy to be around, even if he kept acting like an idiot around her. "Oh, you're on!"

Saavik watched him. She opened her mouth to respond, but before she could, there was a beep at Jim's comm. He put his finger up as if to tell her a minute, while he turned in his chair to his comm. Careful not to hit the empty plate, Jim reached over and pressed the button for the comm. "Kirk, here," he said.

"Captain, we have a hail from the _U.S.S. Enterprise_. Would you like me to put it through?" the Ensign asked.

Jim's hand dropped to his side, hidden from sight. His fingers balled into a fist as he wondered why he was getting a call from his former ship. There was no reason for it unless they were aware that the _Providence_ was traveling on impulse power. Or it could be Admiral Pike checking in with him. Christopher Pike was always overprotective of Jim, while at the same time overly harsh. Jim loved and hated it. "Admiral Pike?" he asked.

"Yes, Sir. Shall I patch him through?" he asked.

Jim glanced at Saavik, who remained perfectly quiet. She had not moved and showed no interest in moving. Her eyes were on him, meeting his glance. "Sure," he said, turning back to the monitor. The Ensign clicked off to connect the call, and during this time, Jim turned to Saavik, "Let's see what this is. Hopefully, it's a quick call, and we can back to our game. I am so going to beat you."

Saavik nodded her head at the same time that the connection was put through. The smile on Jim's face died at the same time the perfect picture came through. On the screen was not Admiral Pike but Lieutenant Uhura. "Where is Admiral Pike?" he asked, shifting slightly. From the corner of his eyes, he could see Saavik stand up.

Uhura's eyes were only on Jim, and she didn't notice the Vulcan stepping into view. "I needed to talk to you, Kirk."

Jim narrowed his eyes at his former Communications Officer. "And you're using Admiral Pike codes," he said, taking note of the codes on his monitor. He didn't need to ask how she had gotten the codes because she was the communication officer. She used the codes whenever she needed to make outbound hails to Starfleet.

"I knew you wouldn't answer if I used mine," Uhura replied.

Jim's eyes twitched in anger as annoyance rushed through him. Why the hell did she do this? What was so important that she was risking a reprimand to speak to him? "What-" he started.

Saavik stepped forward, almost in front of Jim. "You have broken multiple Starfleet regulations, and Admiral-"

"Who are you?" Uhura demanded, cutting off the Vulcan. Her eyes wandered up and down the woman, studying her.

Jim's head was going explode as he watched the screen in front of him. Putting his hand up, he stopped Saavik before she got any closer. "This is my Science Officer Lieutenant Saavik," he said, looking up at the Vulcan. "However, she is correct. Admiral Pike won't be pleased." Jim eyed Uhura, studying the expression on her face. "Lt. Saavik, I can handle this."

Uhura narrowed her eyes at Saavik who was staring down at Jim with an interesting look in her eyes. "I need to talk to you _alone_." She stressed the word alone.

"As you have hailed the Captain under false pretenses, you have no right to demand a conversion," Saavik replied, giving Uhura the Vulcan vision of the stink eye.

Uhura was glaring. "I don't know who the hell you think you are, but-"

Saavik's tone did not change as she interrupted Uhura. Her voice was a fine example of Vulcan calm. "You have broken Starfleet regulations. Lt. Uhura, rest assure a complaint-"

Jim put his arm up, silencing the two, as he let out a deep breath. Uhura may not be his favorite person, but he had no interest in letting this argument continue between these two. "I got this, Saavik. Can you please give Uhura and I some time alone?" he asked. He didn't really want to speak to his former Communications officer, but if she was willing to risk a reprimand and a possible demotion, he would take a few moments to listen.

Saavik stared at Jim for a few long seconds as if she wanted to protest. "Yes, Sir," she said, as she turned and stepped away from Jim. She walked slowly to the door and didn't say anything as she exited.

Jim waited until the door slid closed before he spoke. "So what do I owe this honor to?" he asked, his eyes lingering on the door.

"Kirk," she uttered, drawing back Jim's attention.

"Make it fast before I end this call and inform Admiral Pike about it," Jim threatened.

Uhura took a deep breath before she spoke, "You need to speak to Spock."

Jim would have laughed at her suggestion if she hadn't looked at him with such determination. "Why?" he asked, his tone anything but friendly. He was tired of Uhura pushing him back to Spock as if the past could be forgotten. Forgiven yes, but not forgotten. Maybe, down the line-way down the line, they could be friends again, but right now, he just needed time. He needed time to figure out what his heart wanted. His heart pounded at the sound of his former lover's name, and Jim didn't need to be genius to know what it meant. Yet that did not mean he was going to admit it. "Why do I need to speak to the Vulcan?"

"He did something stupid."

Jim's eyebrow rose at that. "And this is my problem why?"

"He could be discharged from Starfleet," Uhura yelled, slamming her fists down. "And he isn't doing a thing to stop it."

Jim narrowed his eyes as he racked his brain at what Spock could have possibly done. What could the Vulcan have done that would have landed him in this much trouble? Spock was a rule man, following regulations to a T, which was why Jim and the Vulcan argued so often. "Then it seems like you should talk to him."

Uhura glared. "I did, but he won't do anything! Maybe, if you talk to him, then he might do something."

"What did he do?" Jim asked, now curious. What did Spock do that he wasn't willing to fight for himself? Did he kill someone? Did he hurt someone?

"He broke the Prime Directive and disobeyed a direct order."

The answer sent Jim's mind into a tailspin. That wasn't like Spock at all. In all time that Jim had known the Vulcan, it didn't sound like Spock. Even if Spock wasn't a perfect First Officer, he never disobeyed an order. He remembered the countless arguments they had over the Prime Directive. Sure, he might find a way around them, if someone's (especially Jim's) life was in danger, but he never disobeyed an order. The Prime Directive was important to the Vulcan and would use that to guide him. "That doesn't sound like Mr. Spock."

"No, it doesn't," Uhura said, slowly, watching the changing expression on Jim's face.

"That sounds like me."

"It does."

Jim looked up, giving Uhura a look. "But what do you want me to do about it?" he asked.

"TALK TO HIM," Uhura yelled, frustration present in her voice.

The Captain let out sigh, knowing he couldn't face Spock. He just couldn't. During his healing, Jim had learned an important lesson: you have to fight for yourself. No one can fight for you. "I can't be the one, Uhura," he softly replied. Yes, he hated the idea of Spock being forced to leave Starfleet, but it wasn't his choice. Spock had to fight for himself.

Uhura drilled into Jim with her eyes. If looks could kill, hers came very close. "Kirk, get off your ass and talk to him. I am tired of this…" She drifted off as she waved at him. "Tired of whatever this was between you two. You each love each other! You need to get this over this!"

Jim's eyes were glaring as Uhura had no right to talk to him like this. No right at all, especially when she was hanging all over Spock not too long ago. Not since she was the one that had been the driving force that pulled them apart. Her remarks, her glares, the constant whispers… What right did she have to demand anything of him? "Get over it? I am over it, Lt. Uhura. It's you and him who need to get over it. And what he does or won't do is none of my concern anymore. He can do whatever he wants. I'm surprised the two of you haven't gone back to sharing quarters."

Uhura twitched, and her face morphed into anger. "You would let him throw away his career for doing what you would have done? How can you do that?!"

With a deep breath, Jim mentally told himself to calm down. "Listen, Uhura. You have no right to demand anything from me, especially when you used stolen codes to get this call. I'm sure Admiral Pike would love to hear about that." he snapped. "And you know what? I can't fight for Spock. He has to fight for himself like I did, and I'm still doing. I worked my ass off to get here, to come back and take command of the _Providence_. So you know what? He has to do that for himself."

"Kirk, you-"

"No!" Jim replied, coldly. "If you feel so strongly, then you talk to Spock and leave me out of this."

"He won't listen to me."

Jim wasn't sure what was going through his mind, because his heart did twinge at hearing Spock could lose his rank. But it wasn't up to Jim to decide what happened to Spock. It wasn't his job anymore, and if he kept trying, he would never move on. He needed to move on. They both did. "Not my problem," he replied, as he reached for the comm, turning it off. He didn't want to talk about it anymore. He didn't want to think about it anymore.

With a deep breath, Jim turned from the monitor and rested his head down on the table in between the chessboard and his empty plate. He closed his eyes, forcing a few long deep breaths. _God, why is it so hard to shut the door on Spock?_ The Vulcan had broken his heart, shattering it into a hundred pieces. For a while, he lost track of who he was or what he wanted, but even with all the pain, it was a battle to turn away.

How could he let Spock throw it all way? How could he even think of doing that? "Fuck me," Jim whispered as he picked his head up. He turned back to monitor.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The End for now.
> 
> I hope you like this.
> 
> It seems like Jim doesn't know what he wants, Spock doesn't care, and that Uhura is sick of all the drama.
> 
> I would like to say I am not trying to bash Uhura in this. Not sure if I am doing her character justice or what, but I think she would do anything to help those she cares for.
> 
> Anyhow, there you go.


	5. Damn Emotions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I want to say sorry. I know it has been over five month, but I couldn't find it in me to write. My muse seemed to have left me, and anything that I typed seemed to be forced. And I hate that.
> 
> So I am sorry that it took me so long. I don't know when the next update will be, but I will work better at being faster.
> 
> Please note this is not Beta-ed. I had sent it to her to proof this for me, but that has been over two weeks ago and I hadn't gotten anything. I am not sure what is going on there. However, here you go.

Chapter 5:

Damn Emotions

* * *

Though Jim Kirk wanted nothing else than to be in space, he couldn't deny the comforting feeling of the warmth of the sun against his skin. He couldn't deny how wonderful it felt to be kissed by the wind, even on the coldest of days. The bright colors of the land that greeted his eyes and the smell of fresh air and grass that filled his nose, and though he had and would visit hundreds of planets, none could ever compare to Earth. There was no denying that the Earth held a special place in his heart compared to other planets… Although he was impartial towards Earth, it didn't change his desire to blast off into space.

"Seeing Joanna today?" the Good Captain asked his best friend, as they stepped through Starfleet Headquarters plaza. Exactly as expected, there was a crowd of people out and about on this sunny day. Looking around, Jim could tell that on a day like this, some were finding hard to stay focused on their daily tasks for Starfleet.

"Yes, I am. How about you? Any plans, Jim?" Dr. McCoy asked, watching as his best friend closed his eyes and bathed in the sun.

There was a war ragging inside of Jim, and like a coin flip, he had no idea of where he landed. Having been through enough pain to last several lifetimes, he wanted to close out the Spock Chapter and open a new one. He wanted to move on with his life but couldn't seem to close that door. For some reason, he couldn't stop worrying/thinking about his former lover and how he could be dishonorably discharged. The idea that Spock would no longer be a Starfleet Officer felt like a stab to the stomach.

"Jim?" Bones asked, eyeing the stiffness in his best friend.

Should he allow Spock to throw away his life? To destroy his career? What good would it do if the Vulcan didn't fight for his own life? One of the few things that Jim had learned through it all: you had to fight for yourself. If you didn't believe in yourself, there was no succeeding. For the longest time, Jim had lost that fight and slipped into a downward spiral that nearly consumed him. It wasn't simple nor quick and took everything he had and more to break out of it. Even if he refused to see it then, there were times when he had been inches away from giving up. Now, he was stronger. "Yea?"

Bones looked at him, his eyes running up and down Kirk's body. "What's on your mind?"

Spock, the once tough as nails Vulcan hybrid was on the same downward spiral, but unlike him, it seemed like he had no interest in climbing out of it. Though he knew a lot had happened with Spock, this wasn't the Vulcan that Jim had fallen in love with. He wasn't the one who could lead others into battle and win. "Spock," he replied, truthfully.

McCoy's face crunched up as a frown appeared on his face. "So what about the hobgoblin?"

Taking a deep breath and opening his eyes, the blond looked forward and scanned the surrounding area. Like any other day, the plaza was packed full of Officers with different rankings, uniforms, and races. They all looked like they were on a mission, heading to some meeting or session. "Just thinking," he replied, not interested in explaining what truly was on his mind.

"About Mr. Spock?" he asked, his eyebrow rising.

After the chat with Uhura, Jim, having the authority to do so, looked up the charges against his former First Officer, and was shocked to say the least. The stunt the Vulcan had pulled was something that he would never suspect he was capable of doing. It was something only he would think of doing on a mission and get yelled at by Spock after being scolded by Dr. McCoy. "Just thinking," he replied.

Bones gave him a hard look. "Thinking? What about the Vulcan? Did he do something?"

Jim didn't answer McCoy, unsure if he could hide his emotions from the good doctor… Not that he was any good at hiding them. Now, as he found himself getting angrier the more he thought about Spock, he wanted nothing more than to punch him in the face. How dare he give up without a fight? How dare he throw it all way just like that? Didn't he realize what he was doing?

"Jim?"

Shaking his head, Jim took off without looking back. There was only one thing on his mind. Yes, he was right when he stated that Spock's business was his own, and he wasn't concerned with it any more. However, he couldn't stop thinking about his former lover. He couldn't stop thinking about how much this rank meant to the Vulcan, even if he never admitted it. It was more than a rank, it was a career. It would be his honor and life's work. For that, Jim would do anything to help Spock, even if there was a large part deep inside of him screaming to never go near the Vulcan again.

* * *

*O*O*

Dressed in his finest uniform, Commander Spock waited outside of a large hall with Admiral Pike sitting next to him. Even with everything that was about to happen, the Vulcan appeared calm with his usual rigid posture. The same could not be said about the person sitting next to him. Though the Admiral was dressed in his finest grays, he was anything but calm with worry clearly written in his face. Spock wanted to tell his Commanding Officer that the outcome of this special tribunal did not matter, as either way, he would be alright. Even if he was stripped of his rank and forced to leave Starfleet, he would be fine as there would always be a purpose for him. He could experiment and research anywhere in the universe.

In addition it might be good if he left Starfleet and traveled back to New Vulcan, even if it was in shame and disgrace. If he did, he would be able to escape from the haunting memories that followed him from his time onboard the _Enterprise._ He could escape his past with her former captain, Jim Kirk. So maybe, it was for the best. His mind could be used for anything, like reviving his race.

"Spock," Pike uttered, as he turned to his First Officer. "What is your plan here?"

The Vulcan didn't respond as he didn't know how to answer him. For the first time in his short life, he didn't have a plan or set goal in his life. He didn't have a strategy for the tribunal. The only thing he had in his defense was the truth, which might not save him. It could be "the final nail in his coffin", as he had heard Jim say one time, but he couldn't find it in himself to care. If he were truly honest, he would do it all again. He saved lives and would never feel shame for that.

"Spock," he repeated, turning to him. His eyes drilled into the Vulcan, studying him. "I know I came down hard on you, but you can't just give up, Son."

Spock's eyebrow rose as he turned slightly to look at his Admiral. "It is impropriate for you to refer to me as your Son, Admiral. Please refrain from calling me as such."

Pike let out a harsh sigh as he leaned against the wall. Neither had any idea of what was being discussed behind the wall that was the Tribunal courtroom, but Pike knew it wouldn't end well if Spock didn't stand up for himself. "Mr. Spock," he uttered, bitterly. "Stop with the attitude and listen. You can't roll over and show your belly."

Getting to his feet, the Vulcan turned from his Admiral to the door. He stared at the imposing object, waiting for the call to enter. "I do not plan to show my abdominal region, though I am ready to face my punishment."

"So you aren't going to defend yourself?" Pike asked.

Spock turned back slightly, giving him a cold look. "There is no need to be concerned. I will speak the truth and nothing else."

Pike was about to reply when the door to the courtroom opened. For the Admiral, time seemed to slow as the door opened, and his heart raced. A deafening roar filled his ears. His palms were dripping with sweat as he felt a sense of dread overcome him. It felt like everything was falling down around him, and he didn't know how to stop it.

Snapping back to reality by the sounds of footsteps, Pike focused on the security officer at the door. With a neutral look on her face, the Officer moved aside and motioned them inside. No one said a word, as Admiral Pike and Commander Spock turned to the door and stepped through. Dread grew in Pike with every step, and he couldn't push back the feeling that this could be the end for the both of them.

* * *

*O*O*

Jim didn't know what he was going to say to the panel of Admirals. As he approached the Tribunal courtroom, the Captain froze for a few seconds, as it felt like everything that had happened to him was rushing back from all directions. He wondered again if this was his place to be, because Spock had made it clear to a few people that he wasn't going to fight the charges. There was no denying that he had violated the Prime Directive, but still, there had to be an exception.

This doubt made Jim wonder if he was ever going to put Spock behind him. If he went rushing to Spock's defense, wouldn't that mean he wasn't over him? That he still kept the door open for the Vulcan? Or did it mean the exact opposite and he was over him? Had he fully forgiven the Vulcan for his betrayal? The Captain wasn't sure any more. It felt like he had been shot in the chest with emotions, and he didn't know why. Did he want a chance for the two of them to reconnect? Or did he want it to be truly over? Why was his heart quaking at the thought of never seeing the Vulcan again?

Knowing it was now or ever, Jim went to the door, but before he could move his hand to activate the lock, it opened. Jim's hand froze a few inches away from the widening door. He didn't move as an angry person stormed passed him and down the hall. Even in his state, he could see the Admiral's ranking on his arms and collar, and after a few seconds, he realized the angry person was Admiral Pike. For a single moment, Jim wanted to call after him, but decided to wait. From experience he knew that it was best to wait for the older man to calm down before trying to talk to him.

A few moments later, Spock walked through the door, though in a much calmer state. Just like Admiral Pike, his eyes were forward, not paying attention to anything around him. He didn't notice Jim, who was standing still not too far from the door. It was like he was in a trance as he followed after Pike down the hall. Jim couldn't begin to guess what had happened in the tribunal, but he knew it wasn't good. Knowing Spock as well as he did, he knew the Vulcan had fallen on his own sword.

Snapping back to reality with a new purpose, Jim's confidence was back with a clear goal. He knew that he had to stand up for Spock, one of the best first officers in the whole fleet, with hopefully Officer Scott joining them. He knew his uninvited presence would not be taken well, but he was determined to say something in Spock's defense.

* * *

*O*O*

Jim knew most of the Admirals that were in the room. Barnett and Komack were glaring at him, though it was Admiral Marcus that made his heart skip a beat with his heated glare. Though he didn't know Marcus that well, the first time they had met he felt a cold chill. There was something dark in his eyes, something calculating.

"If you strip Commander Spock of his title, there's no doubt that we'll lose what makes Starfleet Starfleet, we will lose what makes us great," Jim stated, his eyes scanning the panel. When he first burst into the room, he was nearly kicked out on his ass. The Admirals did not take kindly to an uninvited Captain interrupting their meeting, and he risked getting reprimanded.

The only female Admiral on the panel gave him a hard, cold look. He had only heard about her after she had been promoted. After the Nero incident, several officers were given the rank of Admiral though Jim wondered if, unlike Pike, they had actually earned it. "You may very well have a point, but Mr. Spock broke the Prime Directive."

Jim understood why the rule had been implemented, but it still annoyed him. Life shouldn't be about rules and regulations; it should be about saving lives. It should be about goodwill and love… It should be about protecting the innocent. Okay, maybe he had his head in the clouds, but he didn't want to live in a world where you got punished for saving lives. "When I joined Starfleet, it was because I wanted to make a difference. I wanted to be someone. I wanted to explore new worlds and life. When did Starfleet turn into something else? Isn't our mission to seek out new life and new civilizations? To be a peace keeping organization?" he asked, meeting all of their glances. "Are we all the type of people who let a race die?"

Komack, after everything that happened, was an ally in Jim's eyes, and at the moment, that thought was proven true. His eyes weren't as cold as the others. "Do you forget what the Prime Directive is, Captain Kirk?"

While it was true Spock had broken the Prime Directive, there was a part of Jim that had a hard time believing that he had actually broken that rule. "I'm aware of the Prime Directive, but you have to be aware that there are no set guidelines. You have to be honest with yourselves and admit that it's a judgement call. How can you judge someone on making that a call?"

Barnett leaned forward in his seat. "You're fighting harder than Commander Spock, and he isn't even your First Officer anymore. Why is that?"

"I can't fault Mr. Spock for risking it all to save lives," Jim replied, "It's something that I would have done." Despite skating with danger, he couldn't help but inwardly smile at the thought of Spock's actions. It was truly what he would have done.

"Then maybe the rank of Captain isn't right for you," another Admiral shot out, his tone anything but friendly.

There was no denying that the Admiral could be correct as Jim was a bit overemotional and relied heavily on his gut; however, it could also be said that it made him the Captain that everyone could be proud of. "A Captain has to rely on more than just rules and regulations. Sometimes he needs to rely on his gut instincts. A Captain is about his crew, and what he's willing to do to protect them. That's the same for a First Officer."

"But the Prime Directive was broken."

"There's no denying Commander Spock's actions, but when is the Prime Directive ethical? How do we decide to walk away and allow someone or a whole planet to die?" he asked. "How is that moral? How is that right?"

Marcus leaned forward as his eyes scanned over the only Captain in the room but reminded silent.

"You may have a point, Captain Kirk, but Commander Spock-"

Jim was having enough of this back and forth as these admirals just liked to hear themselves talk. "The Commander's record and achievements speak for themselves, and to strip him of that would be a blow to Starfleet in more than ways than one." He took a deep breath as he could see a few admirals ready to add their own opinions. "This is Commander Spock, one of Starfleet's finest, and he's a Vulcan, a race that runs off Logic. If he did what he did, then there's a good damn reason!"

"You seemed to have placed a lot of trust in him. Why is that? Do you know his reasoning? His thought processes?" Someone asked.

Did Jim trust Spock? When did that happen? Did something change? "You ask like you don't know. Shouldn't that have been one of your questions to Commander Spock?" He asked, trying to keep himself in check.

A few of the Admirals narrowed their eyes at him, almost shocked at his tone. "You trust him without knowing, Captain Kirk? Why is that?"

When Jim thought about it, he wasn't sure why either. He didn't know if he could exactly call it trust… though he did trust his professional side. He trusted Spock's abilities and his character as a Starfleet Officer. There was no doubt that Spock was one of the best officers in Starfleet, and with that in mind, there was no doubt that the Vulcan did what was needed. It still didn't mean that he trusted Spock with anything personal. Definitely not with his heart. "I trust Commander Spock," he said.

Every eye was on the Captain. "And why didn't-"

At that moment, Admiral Marcus slid back in his chair, silencing the room. His eyes were drilling into Kirk with such an intense look that he could not look away. "I think we've heard enough. If you may, Captain, can you please leave us? We have a few things to discuss."

Jim hesitated a bit, worried that his words hadn't been enough. He knew there was a chance that his words had fallen on deaf ears as Spock wasn't his First Officer anymore. His words were nothing to these Admirals, but he hoped that they had reached them in some way. "Thank you, for your time Admiral Marcus." He had to fight to get those words out in a calm and careful matter, as he wanted nothing more than to yell at everyone in the room.

Receiving only a nod, Jim turned from the Panel of Admirals and to the door. It was a moment like this that Jim wanted to drink, to lose himself in the deep burn of alcohol. Even if he hadn't taken a drink in over a year, he had an urge to head to the nearest bar and drink until he couldn't feel anymore. Though it would be the stupidest thing that he had done in a long time, the desire to drink his problems away was very tempting. Leaving the stuffy room, he decided the first thing he needed was a breath of fresh air.

* * *

*O*O*

Christopher Pike was a bundle of nerves, which he hadn't felt like in a while. He was growing more gray hairs with every second because of those two idiots. Between Jim and Spock, he knew he'd be bald and dead soon from all of the stress. The pair would be the end of him, and though he wished those two would come to their senses, he knew he wouldn't have it any other way. Even though he had no idea why he felt so strongly to those two knuckleheads, they meant the world to him.

Right now, he wanted to ring Spock's neck. How could he stay so calm about this? Okay, he knew that showing no emotions was the common state for the Vulcan, but this was different. He had accepted the worst and was no longer fighting, and that was driving Pike crazy. Was he really okay with throwing his career? Did he really think this would solve anything? Was he that stupid?

"So how's it going?" Sulu asked, breaking through the silence.

Both Spock and Pike had been waiting for the decision in complete silence in a small waiting room. Pike had been sitting by the window, staring out into the city, while the Vulcan was standing at the back wall. His eyes were closed as if he was in deep thought, and no matter how much Pike had tried, he couldn't get him to speak. After a few tries, the Admiral gave up and sat in silence.

"I assume it went bad," Uhura said, as she slid in next to Sulu.

Pike glanced up to them, knowing how close these officers were. He knew they were a family and this was killing them. "It went as well as you expected."

Uhura's eye twitched and Pike could see the anger in her face.

Sulu's eyes danced between the Commander and the First Officer, trying to read the tension. He didn't say anything for a few long seconds. "What's your read on the Admirals, Admiral Pike?" he asked.

The Admiral sighed harshly and didn't answer right away. Right now, he needed something to drink. A tall glass of something alcoholic because there was no doubt that this day would soon turn into a nightmare. "The Admirals were not impressed, and he didn't win over any of them with his words."

"I said what was needed to be said," Spock said, breaking his silence.

Pike turned slightly, giving Spock a hard look. "I know you don't see the point of knowing the art of flattery, but it's clear the Admirals did not take kindly to your words."

"They were words of truth," the Vulcan replied, eyes still closed.

Uhura let out a harsh sigh, not believing the situation at hand. "So he just pissed off the entire panel?" she asked, her eye twitching again. There was a sound of disbelief in her voice, even if she had expected this outcome.

Sulu took a deep breath, but he remained quiet, as he watched the interaction in the room. There would be no stop to the growing tension in the room until they learned the outcome of the panel, which was clear if Pike's gut was correct.

"If only you have-"

The door to the room opened, drawing immediate silence. Everyone turned to the door, waiting for the person to step through. It felt like they were sitting on needles as the person took his time entering. For some, it was like time had stood still, as everyone knew who it would be entering. The verdict would be in, and it would be one of the Admirals letting them know the outcome of the trail.

Pike could feel the temperature drop in the room as Barnett stepped in. Everyone focused on the Admiral, waiting for the man to say something. Every nerve was on fire, waiting for him to open his mouth. Sulu was positive he would fall down if he didn't get an answer soon.

Unable to take anymore, Pike placed his hands firmly on the arms rest of the chair and pushed up. He ignored the sharp pain in his bad leg, his constant reminder of Nero. Pike pushed off the chair and stepped toward Barnett. "Are they ready for us?" he asked, glancing at the door for a second.

Barnett shook his head as he met Pike's glance. "There's no need. The Admirals already made their decision, and they have left it to me to inform you." There was a slight smile on his face.

"Then out with it," Uhura said, unable to take it. Her eyes drilled into the Admiral.

"Yea, is Commander Spock being discharged?" Sulu asked.

Pike knew the officers should be following Starfleet regulations and stay quiet, but he knew emotions played more into this than anything else. Spock was part of their crew and had become a member of their family. With so many different outcomes running through their heads, there was only so much they could do. "Settle down and let Admiral Barnett speak."

The Admiral waited a few seconds for someone to interrupt before he spoke. "It's okay, Admiral Pike. I understand their concern, but please, rest assured that you still have your Commander, though he will receive some punishment."

Uhura's eyes widened. "What?" she asked.

Pike was also in shock, as he hadn't expected Spock to keep his rank. It was one thing to break a direct order, but it was another to break the Prime Directive and have no remorse. "That's a surprise, considering he lost the panel."

Spock closely followed Barnett's every movement. There was something different in his eyes as he tried to read the expression on the Admiral face.

Barnett let out a smile, almost chuckling. "Oh, he did. They hated him, and there was no doubt that Admiral Marcus wanted to make an example of him."

Sulu wasn't surprised at his remark. At times it seemed like only the most xenophobic officers, who had turned into cowards during the Nero attack, survived and were unfairly promoted to Admirals.

Pike narrowed his eyes. "Then how does he have his rank?"

"Because Captain Kirk has a big mouth on him," the Admiral revealed. "Came busting in and started spouting off. Got to say it though, Kirk has a lot of guts to come running in like that. He seems to have a lot of trust in you."

Spock's eyes widened as he finally took a step forward. In a rare moment, his sporadic emotions were presented on his face. "Captain Kirk was present in the meeting?" he asked, a slight disbelief in his voice.

"Yes, and he refused to allow you to be dishonorably discharged without a fight. Called you the best Officer in Starfleet," he said.

Besides Sulu, the Officers of the _Enterprise_ were in completely shock, as none of them expected James T. Kirk to come to the rescue. No one expected the Captain to even know that the Vulcan was in trouble, but here he was, standing up for his former lover and First Officer, someone that he hadn't spoken to in a year.

Uhura inched forward as she stared in Barnett's eyes. There were words on the tip of her tongue, but she couldn't seem to get them out. Her emotions were clearly written on her face. "He really said that?" she asked. "I didn't-"

"Where is Captain Kirk now?" Spock interrupted, stepping forward. The emotion that had flashed on his face before had disappeared, and its place was a determined look.

"He left shortly before the Admirals came to their decision," he replied. "I am not sure where he went."

Without another word, Spock was out of the room and down the hall.

* * *

*O*O*

James T. Kirk thought about giving up few times. Though he would never admit it, it was very tempting at times to just walk away from Starfleet. It was tempting to give into pain, just wanting it to go away, but every time the thought creeped into his mind, it felt like a betrayal in every cell of his body. Even though it felt like he was being stabbed in every part of his body, he refused to allow himself to give up. He refused to allow himself to fail and turn his back on everything that drove him to become the captain of the _Providence_. It would be worse than death if he lost everything that was himself.

Sitting at a bar, Jim leaned over the counter as he swirled a glass of whiskey. The ice rattling against the glass was an all too familiar sound. His eyes weren't focused, deep in thought, yet he was careful not to spill any of the liquid. He still hadn't touched a drop of the stuff.

He put the glass to his lips. The strong smell of whiskey filled his nose. Just as he was about to tilt his head back and let the amber liquid flow into his mouth, he froze.

Anger, guilt, resentment, and fear rushed into his head. The conflicting emotions stopped his hand, making him unable to take a slip. After a few seconds of holding the glass up, he lowered it and continued to swirl the liquid.

He wasn't sure what he had expected when he spoke on Spock's behalf, and he still hadn't figured out what he was feeling. Was he happy? Mad? Upset, maybe? He wasn't sure and didn't know how to figure it out. He supposed he could call Dr. Jones and talk it out over the phone, but he wanted to work through his emotions by himself.

Jones had helped him out in ways that Jim didn't think was possible. The Captain wasn't ashamed of his therapy, but he wanted to be able to rely on himself to get through things. If he wanted to be a good captain, he needed to be able to things for himself. He wanted to-

Jim took another deep breath as he lowered his glass. "How did you find me?" he asked, blowing out the breath he didn't know he had been holding.

Pike smiled softly as he took a seat next to the young Captain. **"** I know you better than you think I do. The first time I found you, it was in a dive like this. Remember that? You got your ass handed to you."

Taking yet another deep breath, Jim replied, "No, I didn't."

"You don't?" Pike asked, looking to the full glass on the counter.

Jim closed his eyes as he lowered his head slightly. **"** No, that's not what happened."

 **"** That was an epic beating," Pike said with a smile.

"No, it wasn't," Jim replied, picking up his head and looking to the side.

"You had napkins hanging out of your nose. Did you not?" Pike said, meeting his glance.

Unable to stop it, a laugh escaped from Kirk's lips. He wouldn't have called that a bloody fight. At the time, all he could think about was the officers who had attacked him all at once. He did try to defend himself. "Yeah, that was a good fight."

"A good fight? I think that's your problem right there."

"What? That I don't give up?" He asked, pushing back from the bar.

Pike studied Kirk for a few long seconds. He observed every movement of the blond in front of him, looking for some kind of hint. "I thought Uhura said you weren't going to help. What changed?" he asked.

Jim's eyes widen as he stared at the Admiral. "How would you know about that?" he asked, trying to control his shock. Yes, he had threatened to inform Pike about Uhura's misuse of the communication codes, but he hadn't gone through with it. Though he did not approve of what she did, he couldn't fault her, considering how much she cared for the Vulcan. If he was in her shoes, he probably would have done the same thing; no, he _would_ have done anything for him. He would do anything to save those important to him.

"It was that Science Officer of yours, Saavik. She informed me of what Uhura did, and let me tell you, she wasn't too happy about it. Although she would have to admit to having emotions first," he replied. He paused for the second, as his eyes drilled into the Captain. "But as I never heard anything from you, I didn't feel a need to reprimand Uhura."

Jim didn't respond right away, thinking about the answer that Pike was waiting for. He wanted an answer that Jim could not give. He wanted to know why he had changed his mind when he had said it wasn't his concern. "I just figured that Starfleet can't kick out the best," he said, as he got to his feet. "And… I… I think I will always protect him."

Pike was about to respond, when his communicator chirped drawing his attention. It didn't take long for the Admiral read it and for his expression to fall. "An emergency session at Daystrom. We better go," he said, looking back to Jim. There was a grim look on his face.

"Yeah," Jim replied, feeling an overwhelming sense of dread. The last time there was an emergency session, the Vulcan race had been nearly wiped out and Starfleet lost most of the fleet along with all of the officers on board the ships.

 **"** Suit up."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end for now:
> 
> Did you really think that Jim would let Spock discharged? :)
> 
> And the next chapter won't be soo happy. Poor Pike.

**Author's Note:**

> The end for now.
> 
> Author note: With Saavik, I am only going off what was in the original movies and not in the books, which people are fighting about being Canon or not. Granted, the originally story is nothing like the reboot so I don't think that mattered. However, I am letting you know.
> 
> Until next time...and just a reminder, I am a slow updater.


End file.
